On walking into a steam room or sauna, there is a dilemma about whether or not to say 'hello' to the other residents.
I do it on maybe slightly more than half the occasions that I appear depending on my fettle.
And the word 'appear' appears apt as you are likely coming through a doorway of rolling steam.
"Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be in my trunks looking for a hot place to sit down"
The dilemma is enhanced on entry to the steam room because you don't necessarily know if there is anybody in there.
The steam tends to rise so faces will be more obliterated than legs, but it still may be hard to make out anything at all.
Now, of course nothing is lost if you risk a 'hello' and there's nobody there. It's unlikely that you'll be picked up on it by a casual bystander who thinks you are a nut, having a conversation with himself. Although the 'being on bluetooth' excuse that is currently concealing a generation of schizophrenics simply will not hold at the pool.
If you offer your greeting and you do indeed have an invisible audience, you are in the game, at least halfway towards an empty victory.
Because of course they can't see you either.
All they've heard is a disembodied voice.
They will undoubtedly have been aware that somebody was entering the steam room.
They may well have wondered whether to expect a greeting.
They may even grunt a steamy response out of politeness.
Or more likely....
Not.
Today I walked into the steam room and noticed the legs of somebody and offered a brief "Hi".
There wasn't any response but it was only when I advanced further effectively reducing the opacity of the water vapour (I am picking myself up on my sloppy use of the word 'steam' earlier) that I realised she was Japanese. Probably.
Now I'm not fluent in Japanese but I do know my Shogun.
I know my 'Hai' from my 'Sayonara' (even if she didn't know my Hai from my Hi).
OK those are the only two things I can say Japanese - yes and goodbye.
Two words incidentally when spaced over an 11 minute period which can serve you remarkably well in the ruby district of the Dutch capital.
Well I am linguistically underselling myself. Yes, I know... again.... stoppit...you're embarrassing me!
Richard Chamberlain taught me a little more than that.
In fact, if there's one thing you can say about me it is that I know my 'konnichiwa' from my 'wakarimasen'.
So here's a big "Yes, hello, I understand", straight from somebody who only otherwise knows Osaka from Karate Kid 2.
I even thought 'petacetera' was a Japanese pleasantry until I realised that he was the one who performed 'The Glory of Love' in Karate Kid 3 .
In the 70s, I would have walked into a sauna and perhaps opened with a couple of minutes of my 'Three puffs walk into a bar routine', but towards the end of the decade it wasn't hitting quite as reliably as it had been.
In the 80s, I walked onto the pine stage with a bit of politics and some Thatcher-bashing material. You should have seen the rosy cheeks of appreciation lined up from the stalls to the gallery. Again, as the decade wore on the act became dated and there were a lot of empty benches. I took a couple of years away from the sauna scene, but returned in the 90s with a gentler rehash of old concepts and mixed quite a lot of pathos to reflect how meaningful we were all becoming then. Unfortunately 9/11 took a lot of my edge and I found it hard to deal with any environment where I can't permanently stare at a mobile phone. So much so that I am thinking of going on a lesbian walking holiday so I can sing folk songs and start a long-delayed macrame project.
Anyway... I walked into the steam room and said "Hi".
In retrospect I can understand the confusion on the face of the Japanese woman.
If a long sexy Englishman walks into a steam room that you have carefully occupied, (and ancient culture demands that you commit harikari due to the enduring shame such an event would bring on your family for generations), then you have a right to be perplexed.
Especially if he comes in and says 'yes' at you.
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