Thursday 19 January 2012
Friday 13 January 2012
Product Warning
Here is a tip for all you fellow purchasers of the MacLeans Cool mint mouthwash. Particularly that subset who are also are partial to a spot of Radox Stress Relief Rosemary & Eucalyptus Bath Soak, which as you will know has an identical colour and similar bottle.
When you next fancy a rinse, even though you are happy you know your way round your own bathroom, I recommend you always remember to turn the light on anyway.
Don't chance it.
There's no reason for any more people to suffer.
When you next fancy a rinse, even though you are happy you know your way round your own bathroom, I recommend you always remember to turn the light on anyway.
Don't chance it.
There's no reason for any more people to suffer.
Thursday 12 January 2012
Powerplay
I don't know about you but I like to harp on quite a lot about strengths and weaknesses.
When meeting somebody new, or going to an interview, or writing a CV (resume), or a website or just talking about myself, I like to be asked what my strengths are. I'm happiest when this is quickly followed up with an opportunity to name any weaknesses that I have. They have to be juicy by the way. Not I work too hard, I'm too nice, I try to save too many animals. Your inquisitor can't get their rocks off with that now, can they? It helps if you spice it up a bit with a bit of genuinely performed self-doubt. If you're into Am Dram you're halfway there.
To the right person, really layering it on will do no end of good.
You'll come over great.
If you're short of weaknesses of course you may have to lie. For god's sake don't count that as a weakness otherwise you end up in a never-ending loop which could implode on its own futility.
I think I like this S&W approach partly because it's a referential twist on S&M. But mostly because it's a great way of communicating significant information, and I'm always surprised about how normal it feels.
So if you are meeting somebody new for the first time why not introduce yourself and ask the person what are their strengths? At the very least it is bound to lead to a terrific conversation and you will go up massively in their estimation. If you have the time to continue the conversation and you're able to take their weaknesses this gives you lots of opportunity to share your strengths. Then you can see if these counteract their weaknesses or indeed see if their weaknesses will in some way complement your strengths.
Or just humiliating them could be great fun too and you can repackage the information as anecdotes to entertain other people with.
If they are fat, it is a real bonus. It really is win-win.
Why not think about starting your own Internet dating agency where you can also go further with lists of Things You Like which will further define your uniquely lovable character.
Then at long last we can get rid of normal abstract communication altogether.
And we will all be a damn sight better off for it.
When meeting somebody new, or going to an interview, or writing a CV (resume), or a website or just talking about myself, I like to be asked what my strengths are. I'm happiest when this is quickly followed up with an opportunity to name any weaknesses that I have. They have to be juicy by the way. Not I work too hard, I'm too nice, I try to save too many animals. Your inquisitor can't get their rocks off with that now, can they? It helps if you spice it up a bit with a bit of genuinely performed self-doubt. If you're into Am Dram you're halfway there.
To the right person, really layering it on will do no end of good.
You'll come over great.
If you're short of weaknesses of course you may have to lie. For god's sake don't count that as a weakness otherwise you end up in a never-ending loop which could implode on its own futility.
I think I like this S&W approach partly because it's a referential twist on S&M. But mostly because it's a great way of communicating significant information, and I'm always surprised about how normal it feels.
So if you are meeting somebody new for the first time why not introduce yourself and ask the person what are their strengths? At the very least it is bound to lead to a terrific conversation and you will go up massively in their estimation. If you have the time to continue the conversation and you're able to take their weaknesses this gives you lots of opportunity to share your strengths. Then you can see if these counteract their weaknesses or indeed see if their weaknesses will in some way complement your strengths.
Or just humiliating them could be great fun too and you can repackage the information as anecdotes to entertain other people with.
If they are fat, it is a real bonus. It really is win-win.
Why not think about starting your own Internet dating agency where you can also go further with lists of Things You Like which will further define your uniquely lovable character.
Then at long last we can get rid of normal abstract communication altogether.
And we will all be a damn sight better off for it.
Wednesday 11 January 2012
Postal Blues
It's nice to send out some stamps with pictures on them every now and again.
We tend to do it only a Christmas but they're available several times a year.
Today we have an attractive new set of Roald Dahl stamps. I bought myself a few Charlie and the Chocolate Factories. (And despite ordering them with exactly that phrasing still failed to get a titter out of the counter assistant).
Now there's a first class stamp - with 1st written on it to ensure that nobody in Britain knows the true price of a stamp.
And the other denominations in the set of six are 66p, 68p, 76p, £1, £1.10.
Are you with me so far? The only problem is if you want to send a letter or packet to someone it will cost you 39p, 44p, 55p, 58p, 75p, 65p, 79p, 92p, 90p, £1.09, £1.23, or £1.46.
Pretty much anything but the denominations available.
So why do you think those denominations are not available with pictures of Matilda or The Witches or The Twits or Fantastic Mister Fox or James and the Giant Peach.
Well, I thought I'd find out.
The answer: between them they can be used for Airmail to Europe, Airmail to the World, Airmail under 10 g and the 66p appears to be an inexplicable random filler.
So there you go - a nice set of stamps you can barely use. (There is no domestic second class).
And while we're on lessons of philately, should you make the mistake I've just made and send a relative some toothpicks weighing 12g, knowing that to become a large letter it needs to be 100g then please try to squeeze the envelope first. Otherwise when you eventually realise the packet was 6 mm deep, rather than the permitted 5mm, your mother will be sent to the post office, puts under hot lights, told to pay the difference (22p) and given a £1 fine on your behalf to teach everybody a lesson.
Thanks Royal Mail.
Happy New Year.
We tend to do it only a Christmas but they're available several times a year.
Today we have an attractive new set of Roald Dahl stamps. I bought myself a few Charlie and the Chocolate Factories. (And despite ordering them with exactly that phrasing still failed to get a titter out of the counter assistant).
Now there's a first class stamp - with 1st written on it to ensure that nobody in Britain knows the true price of a stamp.
And the other denominations in the set of six are 66p, 68p, 76p, £1, £1.10.
Are you with me so far? The only problem is if you want to send a letter or packet to someone it will cost you 39p, 44p, 55p, 58p, 75p, 65p, 79p, 92p, 90p, £1.09, £1.23, or £1.46.
Pretty much anything but the denominations available.
So why do you think those denominations are not available with pictures of Matilda or The Witches or The Twits or Fantastic Mister Fox or James and the Giant Peach.
Well, I thought I'd find out.
The answer: between them they can be used for Airmail to Europe, Airmail to the World, Airmail under 10 g and the 66p appears to be an inexplicable random filler.
So there you go - a nice set of stamps you can barely use. (There is no domestic second class).
And while we're on lessons of philately, should you make the mistake I've just made and send a relative some toothpicks weighing 12g, knowing that to become a large letter it needs to be 100g then please try to squeeze the envelope first. Otherwise when you eventually realise the packet was 6 mm deep, rather than the permitted 5mm, your mother will be sent to the post office, puts under hot lights, told to pay the difference (22p) and given a £1 fine on your behalf to teach everybody a lesson.
Thanks Royal Mail.
Happy New Year.
Tuesday 10 January 2012
Save Our Stereotypes!
I think it's very important that nobody gets carried away with making jokes out of unfortunate situations.
For example you might be a celebrity chef, you're doing a bit of shopping and yes, you fancy a bit of cheese and wine but there's a problem with immediate funding.
Maybe you decide to have some anyway and pay later, is that such a crime?
Is it not the fault of the supermarkets who took away manned checkouts in the first place?
Anyone having a little bit of a joke at somebody's medical condition - a medical condition that a little bit of brie and perhaps a small glass of Chablis might well have alleviated should take a good long look at themselves.
People with a medical condition are not fair game for these jokes. That's why we have the gays and the blacks. They don't have a medical condition. And more importantly they don't mind if you take the mickey out of them. (Though for god's sake don't mention their skin colour or homosexuality or the police will be round. And quite right too!)
So if any of you find yourself reading a text such as "Why did the chicken cross the road? His head was stuffed in Anthony Worrall Thompson's pocket" and wrongly think it even vaguely amusing, or having a so-called "laugh" in the pub about poor old Anthony seeking treatment, and then claiming that a simple hair dye should cure the ginger prat, then shame on you!
When it comes to illness, I think we have to draw a line in the sand.
See it for what it really is.
He might have picked up a little Camembert and a drop of Chablis in Tesco but this wasn't an act against our society.
This was Wozza fighting back against the dirty womanising French.
For example you might be a celebrity chef, you're doing a bit of shopping and yes, you fancy a bit of cheese and wine but there's a problem with immediate funding.
Maybe you decide to have some anyway and pay later, is that such a crime?
Is it not the fault of the supermarkets who took away manned checkouts in the first place?
Anyone having a little bit of a joke at somebody's medical condition - a medical condition that a little bit of brie and perhaps a small glass of Chablis might well have alleviated should take a good long look at themselves.
People with a medical condition are not fair game for these jokes. That's why we have the gays and the blacks. They don't have a medical condition. And more importantly they don't mind if you take the mickey out of them. (Though for god's sake don't mention their skin colour or homosexuality or the police will be round. And quite right too!)
So if any of you find yourself reading a text such as "Why did the chicken cross the road? His head was stuffed in Anthony Worrall Thompson's pocket" and wrongly think it even vaguely amusing, or having a so-called "laugh" in the pub about poor old Anthony seeking treatment, and then claiming that a simple hair dye should cure the ginger prat, then shame on you!
When it comes to illness, I think we have to draw a line in the sand.
See it for what it really is.
He might have picked up a little Camembert and a drop of Chablis in Tesco but this wasn't an act against our society.
This was Wozza fighting back against the dirty womanising French.
Friday 6 January 2012
Change / Pure / Marvellous.
We're living in a culture of psychology, talking therapies and on the other side of things (apparently) is traditional medicine.
I'm going to cut to the chase. We need to find the point where change is made.
How often have you heard "but he doesn't want to change", "he's not ready for change".
And how often have we walked away, warm and justified in our own failure. In our own pathetic bleatings of inadequacy.
The world keeps turning, we collect our salary less income tax and national insurance, and nothing changes, nobody gets better.
But don't you see? You already have it.
You've made the diagnosis.
(Does anybody remember diagnosis? It was the bit you did before you installed your plan of management, now consigned frequently to history. Safety netting while laudable is not a replacement for diagnosis).
And by diagnosis I mean your best most brilliant guess. Your juiciest judgement that simultaneously drinks in the best cuts of your learning and the best bits of your character.
There we go - I said it. My blood pressure's dropped 10 points and I'm feeling a lot better. I owe you one.
The treatment that was needed was that change had to be supplied. (That has an echo of a line from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull that I bumped into over the New Year period where Henry Jr says - "Knowledge was their Treasure". I have capitalised the Tee for effect. Shoot me!
(Footnote: in the 10 seconds I spent looking for the exact quote, the most generous comment I found referred to this line as a polished turd. I won't tell you about the others)
Anyway just to remind you where we were before George Lucas got in the way...the treatment that was needed was that change had to be supplied.
Not antibiotics.
Not beta blockers.
Not proflavin on 5 metres of hilarious gauze.
But change.
So you've made the diagnosis.
Good.
Now what's your plan Poindexter?
What, and I mean exactly what, are you going to do about it?
Footnote 2: I've learnt a few things about myself today.
1. Footnotes should probably appear at the Foot.
2. I don't recognise a polished turd when I see one.
I'm going to cut to the chase. We need to find the point where change is made.
How often have you heard "but he doesn't want to change", "he's not ready for change".
And how often have we walked away, warm and justified in our own failure. In our own pathetic bleatings of inadequacy.
The world keeps turning, we collect our salary less income tax and national insurance, and nothing changes, nobody gets better.
But don't you see? You already have it.
You've made the diagnosis.
(Does anybody remember diagnosis? It was the bit you did before you installed your plan of management, now consigned frequently to history. Safety netting while laudable is not a replacement for diagnosis).
And by diagnosis I mean your best most brilliant guess. Your juiciest judgement that simultaneously drinks in the best cuts of your learning and the best bits of your character.
There we go - I said it. My blood pressure's dropped 10 points and I'm feeling a lot better. I owe you one.
The treatment that was needed was that change had to be supplied. (That has an echo of a line from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull that I bumped into over the New Year period where Henry Jr says - "Knowledge was their Treasure". I have capitalised the Tee for effect. Shoot me!
(Footnote: in the 10 seconds I spent looking for the exact quote, the most generous comment I found referred to this line as a polished turd. I won't tell you about the others)
Anyway just to remind you where we were before George Lucas got in the way...the treatment that was needed was that change had to be supplied.
Not antibiotics.
Not beta blockers.
Not proflavin on 5 metres of hilarious gauze.
But change.
So you've made the diagnosis.
Good.
Now what's your plan Poindexter?
What, and I mean exactly what, are you going to do about it?
Footnote 2: I've learnt a few things about myself today.
1. Footnotes should probably appear at the Foot.
2. I don't recognise a polished turd when I see one.
Thursday 5 January 2012
Seconds Out
So today's news.
Terry Pratchett has supported a biased review which of course is pro-euthanasia.
Of course he sponsored it so its results are essentially meaningless. He might as well have just done another interview. That would be a lot more honest approach to lobbying.
Pratchett of course complained that doctors won't help with assisted dying but that's not true. We are all dying from the moment we are born and doctors get everybody in the end. Some people aren't happy with 100% success rates.
And a few hours ago another nurse was arrested for killing patients.
Just five days into 2012 and its nurses - one, patients - nil.
And just 350 killing days to Christmas.
Clearly the NHS isn't bringing the right people together.
It's good to have an intelligent argument and it is good for Pratchett to give it a kick.
Although with his celebrity, the debate never seems to pause for reflection.
But I would just keep doctors out of it. Doctors should concentrate on improving and extending life. Start to doubt your endpoint and you dilute your dedication. You won't even know you are doing it.
The problem then is that it becomes a role for private doctors. I am sure there will be an expensive Harley Street postcode reserved for the purpose just next to the sort of lowlife who insert mattress fillings in women's breasts.
Pratchett has too much faith in doctors.
Kindly doctors as he puts them.
Shipman was kindly.
Ask anyone.
Doctors are trying to get their act together in doing exactly the reverse and there is a long way to go.
And there are many other issues that need just as much promotion.
The lives of patients are boxing rings for a million other problems.
Yes there are big philosophical questions. But some questions are closer to home and need just as much attention.
It's not all "To be not to be?"
Sometimes it's "Deal or No Deal?"
Terry Pratchett has supported a biased review which of course is pro-euthanasia.
Of course he sponsored it so its results are essentially meaningless. He might as well have just done another interview. That would be a lot more honest approach to lobbying.
Pratchett of course complained that doctors won't help with assisted dying but that's not true. We are all dying from the moment we are born and doctors get everybody in the end. Some people aren't happy with 100% success rates.
And a few hours ago another nurse was arrested for killing patients.
Just five days into 2012 and its nurses - one, patients - nil.
And just 350 killing days to Christmas.
Clearly the NHS isn't bringing the right people together.
It's good to have an intelligent argument and it is good for Pratchett to give it a kick.
Although with his celebrity, the debate never seems to pause for reflection.
But I would just keep doctors out of it. Doctors should concentrate on improving and extending life. Start to doubt your endpoint and you dilute your dedication. You won't even know you are doing it.
The problem then is that it becomes a role for private doctors. I am sure there will be an expensive Harley Street postcode reserved for the purpose just next to the sort of lowlife who insert mattress fillings in women's breasts.
Pratchett has too much faith in doctors.
Kindly doctors as he puts them.
Shipman was kindly.
Ask anyone.
Doctors are trying to get their act together in doing exactly the reverse and there is a long way to go.
And there are many other issues that need just as much promotion.
The lives of patients are boxing rings for a million other problems.
Yes there are big philosophical questions. But some questions are closer to home and need just as much attention.
It's not all "To be not to be?"
Sometimes it's "Deal or No Deal?"
Wednesday 4 January 2012
The Leap Home
If I ever get a proper job and still want to take August off to go to the Edinburgh Festival I think I might get a short answer from my so-called colleagues.
What is a colleague anyway? It's not a friend, it seems that it is not a business partner. It must be somebody you are "in league" with. and being "in league" with someone, unless you're either a professional footballer, Jack Hawkins or Mark Gatiss (which my spellcheck just corrected to Mark GayKiss, sorry Mark!), well it never leads anywhere good.
I (kind of) understand the need for families to have their 14 days in Murcia during the school holidays but I also am inclined to a kind of policy that take sides with those who might choose to stick two fingers up their nostrils and say "Tough luck mate, I got plans".
But how does one avoid this distasteful sort of semi-conflict without anyone (them) getting hurt?
One solution might be to resign from whatever you're doing every July for the period of your entire working life.
Is it me or is there something supremely appealing about that concept?
Okay it's me.
I might be preprogrammed with that as an acceptable concept of renewal.
But then, I used to love Quantum Leap
What is a colleague anyway? It's not a friend, it seems that it is not a business partner. It must be somebody you are "in league" with. and being "in league" with someone, unless you're either a professional footballer, Jack Hawkins or Mark Gatiss (which my spellcheck just corrected to Mark GayKiss, sorry Mark!), well it never leads anywhere good.
I (kind of) understand the need for families to have their 14 days in Murcia during the school holidays but I also am inclined to a kind of policy that take sides with those who might choose to stick two fingers up their nostrils and say "Tough luck mate, I got plans".
But how does one avoid this distasteful sort of semi-conflict without anyone (them) getting hurt?
One solution might be to resign from whatever you're doing every July for the period of your entire working life.
Is it me or is there something supremely appealing about that concept?
Okay it's me.
I might be preprogrammed with that as an acceptable concept of renewal.
But then, I used to love Quantum Leap
Tuesday 3 January 2012
Happy New World, Brave New Year
The early-morning news bulletin today had a recording of a Los Angeles police officer talking about their latest firestarter with dramatic words.
"We will find them. We will capture them. And we will punish them".
This immediately rang a note of recognition but where from?
Was this just a policeman talking with passion?
No.. It was just too familiar.
After a couple of minutes I had it.
This was "Taken".
The police officer thought he was Liam Neeson.
Now, nobody is a bigger fan of Taken than me.
But is this what passes for a police spokesman nowadays - someone who has seen Taken more than once (and of course it takes one to know one!) and delivers their lines live from Hollywood.
Maybe the arsonist had seen Firestarter more than once or played himself a little too much Prodigy.
Entertainment is bleeding into real life.
Except it's bleeding both ways, ebbing and flowing, arterial and venous. To and from.
And then we hear that Youssou N'dour wants to be the President of Senegal.
Now nobody loves "Seven Seconds" more than me. And I think, what the hell, why not?
And if Wyclef Jean still wants to be president of Haiti, go for it.
At least these musicians have a high enough public profile to care about their legacy. Perhaps passion, accountability and popularity isn't a bad place to start trying on a little politics for size.
(We'll put aside the hunger for power for the time being - I'm happy to give them the benefit of the doubt).
We should go further, I'd like to make Mark Gatiss the Prime Minister and appoint Steven Moffat as director of well... pretty much anything he wants.
I understand television is the defining art form of our lifetimes but artistic minds are capable of (and seemingly frequently desire) much more.
If we even mention the word "reality" now we are pretty much referring only to entertainment.
These are new times.
We need new solutions to new problems.
Perhaps it is time to rebrand real-life.
So off you go, start with your own. It's January and you have a happy new world to shape.
"We will find them. We will capture them. And we will punish them".
This immediately rang a note of recognition but where from?
Was this just a policeman talking with passion?
No.. It was just too familiar.
After a couple of minutes I had it.
This was "Taken".
The police officer thought he was Liam Neeson.
Now, nobody is a bigger fan of Taken than me.
But is this what passes for a police spokesman nowadays - someone who has seen Taken more than once (and of course it takes one to know one!) and delivers their lines live from Hollywood.
Maybe the arsonist had seen Firestarter more than once or played himself a little too much Prodigy.
Entertainment is bleeding into real life.
Except it's bleeding both ways, ebbing and flowing, arterial and venous. To and from.
And then we hear that Youssou N'dour wants to be the President of Senegal.
Now nobody loves "Seven Seconds" more than me. And I think, what the hell, why not?
And if Wyclef Jean still wants to be president of Haiti, go for it.
At least these musicians have a high enough public profile to care about their legacy. Perhaps passion, accountability and popularity isn't a bad place to start trying on a little politics for size.
(We'll put aside the hunger for power for the time being - I'm happy to give them the benefit of the doubt).
We should go further, I'd like to make Mark Gatiss the Prime Minister and appoint Steven Moffat as director of well... pretty much anything he wants.
I understand television is the defining art form of our lifetimes but artistic minds are capable of (and seemingly frequently desire) much more.
If we even mention the word "reality" now we are pretty much referring only to entertainment.
These are new times.
We need new solutions to new problems.
Perhaps it is time to rebrand real-life.
So off you go, start with your own. It's January and you have a happy new world to shape.
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