You know those "Best father in the world mugs"?
Or the plates identifying the "best mother in the world"?
Why it is that when it comes to the printing run, why is it .. that they make more than one?
Is that for everyone who is wrong? So they can buy one too?
I admit the potential market is big for the goods but there needs to be an answer to all these disingenuous mugs.
So I have designed a new range of goods with new phrases: "For the best Dad in the world from someone with questionable judgement" and I also have a range of bone china plates with "To the best Mum in the world given the limitations of my enquiries so far".
I haven’t sold many yet which is a bit worrying as I have a warehouse full.
But Christmas is coming, so get in early, don’t wait till the sales.
Please.
Wednesday 25 November 2009
Tuesday 24 November 2009
Water always wins
Two dramatic events unfolded this month so far
The anti-penultimate episode of David Tennant's Doctor. And the real life Lake District under attack from rain and flood.
Bridges destroyed, fatalities - three, a thousand bridges under structural review, shops and newsagents ruined apart from the top-shelf mags.
Water pushing over structures that have slept for hundreds of years never with such challenge.
Pushing, not relentlessly, a day or two is enough to destroy every business and jeopardise every bridge.
The Doctor said it best in Tennants' breathy tones.
Water is patient.
Water just waits.
It wears down the clifftops, the mountains, the whole of the world.
Water. Always. Wins.
The anti-penultimate episode of David Tennant's Doctor. And the real life Lake District under attack from rain and flood.
Bridges destroyed, fatalities - three, a thousand bridges under structural review, shops and newsagents ruined apart from the top-shelf mags.
Water pushing over structures that have slept for hundreds of years never with such challenge.
Pushing, not relentlessly, a day or two is enough to destroy every business and jeopardise every bridge.
The Doctor said it best in Tennants' breathy tones.
Water is patient.
Water just waits.
It wears down the clifftops, the mountains, the whole of the world.
Water. Always. Wins.
Monday 23 November 2009
Salt lake nitty gritty
When I was a kid I used to put my salt in a little pile by the side of the plate.
Now, I splash it all over.
When did that change?
When I throw it all over I can't really taste it.
But if I dab a chip in the pile.
Zing!!!
I'm going back to the old way.
Join me if your blood pressure can stand the excitement.
Now, I splash it all over.
When did that change?
When I throw it all over I can't really taste it.
But if I dab a chip in the pile.
Zing!!!
I'm going back to the old way.
Join me if your blood pressure can stand the excitement.
Friday 20 November 2009
Doing your bit
Terry's annual telethon has started with him warning us that in these difficult financial times, it's the children that suffer most.
It's not of course.
It's the pubs.
So as it's Friday night, I'm heading out to do my bit.
Trouble is, it's always the same at this time of year, there's always some do-gooders coming round rattling those tins and buckets.
Tends to be a bit of a downer.
It's not of course.
It's the pubs.
So as it's Friday night, I'm heading out to do my bit.
Trouble is, it's always the same at this time of year, there's always some do-gooders coming round rattling those tins and buckets.
Tends to be a bit of a downer.
The best shave yet
No, I'm not growing a beard.
I am just waiting till next year when apparently they are going to come out with a razor that shaves ultimately close. Not just really close but much closer than any razor before it.
So I don't see any reason why I should tolerate the crap they've been selling us this year.
And last year.
And come to think of it, every other year before that.
No more!
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice. Well, I'm not going to be fooled again.
I am not going to make the same mistake I did when buying Vista.
Sit tight I say.
Wait for the final version.
I might buy some sandals and a tambourine while I'm waiting.
I am just waiting till next year when apparently they are going to come out with a razor that shaves ultimately close. Not just really close but much closer than any razor before it.
So I don't see any reason why I should tolerate the crap they've been selling us this year.
And last year.
And come to think of it, every other year before that.
No more!
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice. Well, I'm not going to be fooled again.
I am not going to make the same mistake I did when buying Vista.
Sit tight I say.
Wait for the final version.
I might buy some sandals and a tambourine while I'm waiting.
Monday 16 November 2009
Goodbye, McCall
When you have a set of 1980s TV Principles like me, you have a clear sense of right and wrong.
You can keep it quiet or play the card like a Sword Of Justice and use it to mete out revenge, to protect the weak, to uphold morality.
You can do the right thing despite any cost and in spite of your own demons.
You can do it simply because it needs to be done.
This method serves you. Although like any, it has its price.
It should be in the curriculum.
Choosing to live through the agenda of others. Offering to help. Finding a way.
Playing a part in life, in lives.
If some of that teaching came from the well-engineered emotional triggers of TV, I think that's all for the good. That's just what schools try to do now isn't it? - engage cheap teaching with technology using CD ROMS and computer based learning packages.
But my teachers had charisma. Mine were heroes whose words you might want to quote as you look in the mirror, whose car you may want to drive and whose actions you wanted to emulate. Whose theme tune you tapped the furniture to and ringtoned 20 years later.
It's not a religion.
But it's not far off.
And Edward Woodward was one of my teachers.
I miss him.
You can keep it quiet or play the card like a Sword Of Justice and use it to mete out revenge, to protect the weak, to uphold morality.
You can do the right thing despite any cost and in spite of your own demons.
You can do it simply because it needs to be done.
This method serves you. Although like any, it has its price.
It should be in the curriculum.
Choosing to live through the agenda of others. Offering to help. Finding a way.
Playing a part in life, in lives.
If some of that teaching came from the well-engineered emotional triggers of TV, I think that's all for the good. That's just what schools try to do now isn't it? - engage cheap teaching with technology using CD ROMS and computer based learning packages.
But my teachers had charisma. Mine were heroes whose words you might want to quote as you look in the mirror, whose car you may want to drive and whose actions you wanted to emulate. Whose theme tune you tapped the furniture to and ringtoned 20 years later.
It's not a religion.
But it's not far off.
And Edward Woodward was one of my teachers.
I miss him.
Sunday 15 November 2009
Debts of War
Imagine the fear
And the noise and the smell
And the death of your hopes
As your best friend fell
The end of your dreams
And great expectations
Gone at the hands
Of evil nations.
Dying with the speed
Of a quick assignation
In mounds of character
Assassination
Feeding the dirt
With the youngest of men
All terror and telegram
And never again
Their dreams were enlisted
Our freedoms were won
They were tried, they were tested
In the barrel of a gun
Their lives snuffed out so
We are free from their fears
You do have our thanks,
Thanks through the years
Now drunk youths can choose
On which graves to urinate
These great freedoms granted
Are humanity's fate
So they kneel at the headstone
Just to spraycan the name
On a soldier's sacrifice -
Humanity's shame
Remember the evil
Of our European friends
Now we live in a time
Where apology is amends
For their hard-wired birthrights
To control and to slaughter
Your son, your father.
Your brother, your daughter
It was too close a contest
Of lions versus lice
It would have been different
Without such sacrifice
It might have been lost
This good versus rotten
And if it weren't for remembrance
We might have forgotten
And the noise and the smell
And the death of your hopes
As your best friend fell
The end of your dreams
And great expectations
Gone at the hands
Of evil nations.
Dying with the speed
Of a quick assignation
In mounds of character
Assassination
Feeding the dirt
With the youngest of men
All terror and telegram
And never again
Their dreams were enlisted
Our freedoms were won
They were tried, they were tested
In the barrel of a gun
Their lives snuffed out so
We are free from their fears
You do have our thanks,
Thanks through the years
Now drunk youths can choose
On which graves to urinate
These great freedoms granted
Are humanity's fate
So they kneel at the headstone
Just to spraycan the name
On a soldier's sacrifice -
Humanity's shame
Remember the evil
Of our European friends
Now we live in a time
Where apology is amends
For their hard-wired birthrights
To control and to slaughter
Your son, your father.
Your brother, your daughter
It was too close a contest
Of lions versus lice
It would have been different
Without such sacrifice
It might have been lost
This good versus rotten
And if it weren't for remembrance
We might have forgotten
Friday 13 November 2009
Correctly seated
Why is crossing your legs so comfy?Such a simple action but breaking it down to its key parts, I just don't see why it should be.
No, by rights it shouldn't be.
Is this one of those things they usually get the University of Leicester to look into?
Yes that's it.
Or Aberystwyth.
No, by rights it shouldn't be.
Is this one of those things they usually get the University of Leicester to look into?
Yes that's it.
Or Aberystwyth.
Thursday 12 November 2009
It also works for beer.
Good news - they've identified the bit of brain that reminds you if you have a bit of tea left in your mug.
It is time-resistant, in the occipitofrontal lobe of the brain. It also has a direct connection with the indignation centre of the hypothalamus which is activated should there be a two second window in which the cup cannot be found.
It's the most specialised part of the ofice worker's brain.
It is time-resistant, in the occipitofrontal lobe of the brain. It also has a direct connection with the indignation centre of the hypothalamus which is activated should there be a two second window in which the cup cannot be found.
It's the most specialised part of the ofice worker's brain.
Wednesday 11 November 2009
Know your ABCs
You know that "A to Zinc" daily vitamin supplement they are always advertising?
Well, what vitamin begins with X?
Well, what vitamin begins with X?
Tuesday 10 November 2009
Business Talk
Apparently zebra finches teach themselves their own langage in a few generations by imitating and improving a new version from a parent bird reared in a soundproofed cage with no point of birdsong reference to learn from.
By version/generation 3 or 4 they do a pretty good job implying language is genetic.
They imitiate and improve.
There 's a sneaky way of imitating the experiment using human volunteers.
And we know now there is a speech gene called Fox P2 ( I think). Break that and your gibberish.
But 'imitate and improve'.....I like that, you don't always have to be breathtakingly original
Imitate and Improve.
That's quite a good plan for a business.
By version/generation 3 or 4 they do a pretty good job implying language is genetic.
They imitiate and improve.
There 's a sneaky way of imitating the experiment using human volunteers.
And we know now there is a speech gene called Fox P2 ( I think). Break that and your gibberish.
But 'imitate and improve'.....I like that, you don't always have to be breathtakingly original
Imitate and Improve.
That's quite a good plan for a business.
Sunday 8 November 2009
Remembrance Sunday
Sometimes things drop into popular culture so far that you lose their perspective
You lose their sense. Like a word repeated over and over so it begins to sound silly.
Especially when something might be culturally senstive and you are British.
Which I is.
So when you meet a German, why exactly is it that WE can't mention the war again?
Why would that be? I just can't think of a reason. I can understand why they wouldn't mention it.
But WE didn't start it and WE won!
I don't get it.
Is it so we don't hurt anyone's feelings?
Wouldn't that be a terrible national shame?
Mention it today.
It's the least we owe.
You lose their sense. Like a word repeated over and over so it begins to sound silly.
Especially when something might be culturally senstive and you are British.
Which I is.
So when you meet a German, why exactly is it that WE can't mention the war again?
Why would that be? I just can't think of a reason. I can understand why they wouldn't mention it.
But WE didn't start it and WE won!
I don't get it.
Is it so we don't hurt anyone's feelings?
Wouldn't that be a terrible national shame?
Mention it today.
It's the least we owe.
Time Management
I am going to save you 3 hours a week, simply recite these phrases over and over again
"There' s no way you should be in the bottom two".
"I can't believe Simon chose you that song".
"Yous should be proud of worz" (slightly snarled and in a manly voice)
And if case you find yourself with time on your hands as a result, bear in mind Channel 5 are happy to fill it with a presumably highly intellectual challenge - Britain's Best Brain?
Who should be get to host such as high-brow affair? Bamber Gasgoigne? Richard Dawkins?
No, Of course not.
Why ask them when Zoe Ball and Jamie Theakston are available?
Maybe if it were Britain's Best Brain on a Stick.
Britain's Best Brain after 10 pints of lager.
Britain's Best Brain after an after-show party.
Britain Best Brain served with a nice chianti.
Maybe then.
But it's not.
It's just Britain's Best Brain!
Zoe Ball.
Jamie Theakston.
Help.
"There' s no way you should be in the bottom two".
"I can't believe Simon chose you that song".
"Yous should be proud of worz" (slightly snarled and in a manly voice)
And if case you find yourself with time on your hands as a result, bear in mind Channel 5 are happy to fill it with a presumably highly intellectual challenge - Britain's Best Brain?
Who should be get to host such as high-brow affair? Bamber Gasgoigne? Richard Dawkins?
No, Of course not.
Why ask them when Zoe Ball and Jamie Theakston are available?
Maybe if it were Britain's Best Brain on a Stick.
Britain's Best Brain after 10 pints of lager.
Britain's Best Brain after an after-show party.
Britain Best Brain served with a nice chianti.
Maybe then.
But it's not.
It's just Britain's Best Brain!
Zoe Ball.
Jamie Theakston.
Help.
Friday 6 November 2009
Check Your Calendar
Don't you think that Calendar Girls overpromises a bit.
It constantly tours the country with a rotating cast of various minor female celebrities who are clearly slightly tantalised by the naughtiness supposedly on offer. And obviously keen to cackle their way through the local post-show drinks.
Their tasteful nudity dresses the front on our theatre whats-ons. Including recently.. Dot Cotton - a gnarled woman in her mid-eighties.
Surely enough is enough.
But there a few younger bits flimsily strewn around.
Frankly there is someone for everybody.
Necrophiliacs are not the only ones catered for.
But of course it wont be 'as advertised'.
We are not going to see Letitia Dean spreadeagled, or touching her index finger to her lips while provocatively slightly looking behind her in a suitably dirty manner.
We are probably going to see very little of that.
Overpromising you see.
We are not going to see Lynda Bellingham bending over the dishwasher as though she's dropped a screwdriver behind the hot and cold entry points.
And we are probably not going to see the latest half-wit from I'm a Celebrity Jungle, trapping her fingers in the cutlery drawer forcing her to jump as her nipples instantaneous bounce up into a suitably gravity-defying position (are you listening Dot?).
In fact, if I may use a broader brush, in case of any domestic incidents, we are not going to see any at all of our oh-so-risque (insert ironic emoticon) volunteers go arse over tit.
If anything all we are going to see is a light comedic effort with a generous helping of angst and melodrama mixed in.
So when I go to the advertising standards authority, I just want to know.
Who's with me?
It constantly tours the country with a rotating cast of various minor female celebrities who are clearly slightly tantalised by the naughtiness supposedly on offer. And obviously keen to cackle their way through the local post-show drinks.
Their tasteful nudity dresses the front on our theatre whats-ons. Including recently.. Dot Cotton - a gnarled woman in her mid-eighties.
Surely enough is enough.
But there a few younger bits flimsily strewn around.
Frankly there is someone for everybody.
Necrophiliacs are not the only ones catered for.
But of course it wont be 'as advertised'.
We are not going to see Letitia Dean spreadeagled, or touching her index finger to her lips while provocatively slightly looking behind her in a suitably dirty manner.
We are probably going to see very little of that.
Overpromising you see.
We are not going to see Lynda Bellingham bending over the dishwasher as though she's dropped a screwdriver behind the hot and cold entry points.
And we are probably not going to see the latest half-wit from I'm a Celebrity Jungle, trapping her fingers in the cutlery drawer forcing her to jump as her nipples instantaneous bounce up into a suitably gravity-defying position (are you listening Dot?).
In fact, if I may use a broader brush, in case of any domestic incidents, we are not going to see any at all of our oh-so-risque (insert ironic emoticon) volunteers go arse over tit.
If anything all we are going to see is a light comedic effort with a generous helping of angst and melodrama mixed in.
So when I go to the advertising standards authority, I just want to know.
Who's with me?
Thursday 5 November 2009
Wednesday 4 November 2009
Baring consideration
Nights are drawing in.
Weather girls says we are in for a cold night.
Got me thinking...
I wonder if David Jason's wife often wakes up to a touch of frost..
Weather girls says we are in for a cold night.
Got me thinking...
I wonder if David Jason's wife often wakes up to a touch of frost..
Monday 2 November 2009
How Can I Help?
A couple of years ago I went to a show by Balls of Steel host Mark Dolan in Edinburgh.
By name, How Can I Help?
It was a fully improvised show,.
Audience participation was mandatory. You had to submit a written suggestion that you "genuinely" needed help with that he could turn into a show.
We were all left in no doubt that non-participation was not an option. After all there would have been no show without it.
He pulled out the cards one by one and proceeded to solve the problems.
It's a good philosophy. How Can I Help?
A GP does the same thing. So does a grocer.
But something like 97% of people walk out of GP appointment with all the answers they were looking for.
And they can come in with anything.
ANYTHING AT ALL.
That's impressive even to me. And I am on the dispensing end. Actually it's something to be proud of.
If only it were true. I think it is in the main.
My submitted problem, I might as well tell you, was a deep rooted one going back many years so I wrote on my card, "I can't gel".
Not in crowds you understand. I was referring to a difficulty adding a product to my hair although in fairness I only discovered such products fairly recently.
The solution?.
I got invited onto the stage (that wasn't part of the deal but you have to give the public what they want), shook Mark's hand, looked him in the sweaty face and note his highly gelled hair. It looked rather like he had used Clarified Butter For Men but I am sure he was worth it and I kept my mouth shut.
I was about to face the public vote.
The audience voted on whether or not I even needed to gel and 90% thought I looked perfect as I was without the gel. I can't remember if they used the word perfect but let's assume they did so we can all go home.
Problem
Solution.
Questions?
No?
Ohh... So what?
You cheeky beggar...well
Well the title of his show has lived with me. He has seeded me.
I think it may be the best philosophy for life we have. I suppose it's considerod 'old' now in terms of new age thinking but Be The Change is a strong message.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
So tomorrow, look for a problem in your world or someone else's around you. (It's not difficult, they are everywhere. If you have a very simple life pick up a free copy of Metro and start there).
Notice, direct your observation... in the words of Peabo Bryson... Somewhere Out There , breathe in deep and and ask yourself: How Can I Help?
I wonder where it will lead.
Good places I think.
By name, How Can I Help?
It was a fully improvised show,.
Audience participation was mandatory. You had to submit a written suggestion that you "genuinely" needed help with that he could turn into a show.
We were all left in no doubt that non-participation was not an option. After all there would have been no show without it.
He pulled out the cards one by one and proceeded to solve the problems.
It's a good philosophy. How Can I Help?
A GP does the same thing. So does a grocer.
But something like 97% of people walk out of GP appointment with all the answers they were looking for.
And they can come in with anything.
ANYTHING AT ALL.
That's impressive even to me. And I am on the dispensing end. Actually it's something to be proud of.
If only it were true. I think it is in the main.
My submitted problem, I might as well tell you, was a deep rooted one going back many years so I wrote on my card, "I can't gel".
Not in crowds you understand. I was referring to a difficulty adding a product to my hair although in fairness I only discovered such products fairly recently.
The solution?.
I got invited onto the stage (that wasn't part of the deal but you have to give the public what they want), shook Mark's hand, looked him in the sweaty face and note his highly gelled hair. It looked rather like he had used Clarified Butter For Men but I am sure he was worth it and I kept my mouth shut.
I was about to face the public vote.
The audience voted on whether or not I even needed to gel and 90% thought I looked perfect as I was without the gel. I can't remember if they used the word perfect but let's assume they did so we can all go home.
Problem
Solution.
Questions?
No?
Ohh... So what?
You cheeky beggar...well
Well the title of his show has lived with me. He has seeded me.
I think it may be the best philosophy for life we have. I suppose it's considerod 'old' now in terms of new age thinking but Be The Change is a strong message.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
So tomorrow, look for a problem in your world or someone else's around you. (It's not difficult, they are everywhere. If you have a very simple life pick up a free copy of Metro and start there).
Notice, direct your observation... in the words of Peabo Bryson... Somewhere Out There , breathe in deep and and ask yourself: How Can I Help?
I wonder where it will lead.
Good places I think.
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