Warm Caller

Cold caller: 02087763616
Me: Hello
Her: Hello I am calling you from the technical department of Virgin Media
Me: Are you? Are you actually calling me from Virgin Media? Or are you lying?
Her: I am lying.
Me: OK, well why don't you do something that your mother will be proud of.
Her: OK, I will do one day.
Me: OK, goodbye.
Her: Bye  

Spring

The birds are coming, the birds are coming

Nature's warming up to burst

They're chomping at the bit

It is March the twenty-first

They are stealing them a house

They've tweeted the invasion

(Though I recognise some faces

Back for the occasion)

The birds are coming, the birds are coming  

The battle lines are Home

Searching for foundations

Perching on my gnome

They've annexed my back yard 

And it's horticultural distress

The order seems invisible 

They think it's just a mess 

The birds are here. The birds are here

"Go pick on someone with a lawn..

You're reshaping my entropy

Now my rhododendron's gawn"

Oblivious to grand design

And the fingers to the bone.

They'll mortgage all my potplants

To build a family home

They'll tug at all my linings

With a flush of barefaced cheek

Hanging baskets going bare

"Screw you  - we're here all week"

Salvaging, reclaiming

Caring not a jot

Pirate's bounty never stopping

Till they have the Jewson lot

Twisting, pecking, 

Ever-peckish

A vernal puffed-up display 

Soon off 

But back for more

At the All-You-Can-Pinch buffet.