Scary Times

If someone else tells me it's Hallowe'en today, I might engrave them.
Of course this is the working week. Monday to Friday. And I am in my first blushing exposure to it.
This is where Saturday is traditionally moved to Friday if it suits scheduling.
So tonight we have BBC1's celebrated 'The ONE Show' celebrating Hallowe'en - you might call it a 'special' if the programme qualified to be called special in any capacity.
So I have a shocking prediction for you.
Don't read it alone.
And this is it.
In 10 years time.
That's 2019.
I predict that BBC1 at 7pm will still be showing The ONE Show.
Wrap up warm.
Forget what I said.
Don't let it blight your life.
It might never happen.
And click here
Good luck.

Wanted:Statistics

There was one of them there twin documentaries on a few days ago.
I didn't see it.
But apparently it was remarkable. You know the sort of thing.
Identical twins turns out to have exactly the same skin creases. Same politics. Et cetera.
It's amazing how genetic we are.
But I've always been intrigued by those stories that usually involve one of them emigrating to Australia.
I think it only works if it's Australia.
You know the rest of the sort of tale.
One of them gets appendicitis and the other awakes bolt upright with a pain in his gut.
Actually judging by the subject matter of the rest of the film, it probably is appendicitis so that's not a very good example. Let's try again.
One of them emigrates to Australia. That bit's the same.
One of them falls of his bike, that's more like it, he falls off his bike and the other one gets a graze, no that's not right, feels the pain. That's it, he feels the pain at the same time.
What's going on there? These are the studies we need to do.
We need numbers.
We need statistics to support the phenomenon.
We need an objective eye.
In other words we need to record evidence.
So let's get down to it.

Don't delay.

Happy slap a twin today and stick in on FaceTube!

Your favourite things

Everything's subjective.
Your taste in toothpaste.
Modern art.
Corner baths.
The potential for humanity.
Warren Buffets' stock picks.
Everything.
So take Warren. He's one of the world's richest men. Why exactly?
Is his opinion dismissed by a sceptic with a "That's just your opinion" or "Well that's just subjective"?
Well no, because he's right. More often than he's wrong. He is 'subjective good'.

The same goes for Da Vinci, Picasso, Tony Hadley.
If someone tells you that's subjective, they are doing you down. I believe that is now abbreviated to dissing.
"That's just your opinion" they bleat: a phrase that is "That's subjective"-Lite!
They are still looking snootily look down their metaphorical noses at you. It is a deflationary policy and it is laser-targetted at your inner spirit.
It's rude, judgemental and outside the scope of useful debate.
Imagine hearing that phrase 3 times a minute on Question Time.
Boring. Pointless.
You may be offering a lifelong opinion based on deep valid personal experience. And "they" are valuing their own knee-jerk response to your information/proposal as if their opinion is of equal value.
Hugely arrogant. Ask Warren. Although he'd be too nice to point it out.
Better still, don't hang around with these people.
You don't want to surround yourself with Yes Men but there's a balance.
Justice says they should not get away with it. But don't resort to violence unless they do it twice.
Just Notice. Next time someone tells you what your opinion is , notice.
Their nanosecond of thought has crystallised their opinion and delivered their verdict.
If that's not arrogance I have no idea what is. But it is purely theirs.

Opinion is fast becoming a sin.
Strongly express it and you should be silenced.
And you thought racism was one of the last taboos. Think on. We have done that one to death.
It's great to be free.
So are you subjective right. Or subjective wrong?
Because all opinions are not equal.
I am sorry to tell you this but it's best you heard it from me.

Stay away from the 'that's just your opinion' folks in life.They feed like leeches.
Life becomes about whom you share a room with.
Pay attention to it.

And it was an hour earlier at the weekend but maybe the sun won't rise tomorrow.
Maybe the tide won't come in.
Get out there and rock the boat today.
Shake a few of these limp limpets off.

Fizzy Futures

Comedy is truth. But there is another interesting thing about it.
There is so much of it out there that barely any nuance of modern living has now been left unanalysed by our roving comedians. Barely any quirk of life has been left unploughed or overturned for a laugh of recognition.
Every domestic part of our existence is mapped to energise up the comedian/audience circuit.
And then every retro reference is exploited - every these tune we knew as a kid, every programme we loved.
Who hasn’t had the conversation of your favourite childhood sweets a thousand times? Who remembers Spangles? Yeah? So what? Who cares?
So once your current life is mined and your past life is tilled for referential nuggets, what then?
Well, then you don’t need to live there any more. You don’t need to linger to revisit those areas. And yes it’s a bit of a shame. But then you don’t need to wait a quarter of a century for a favourite tune you had been looking for when Google will give it to you in a quarter of a second.
So where does that leave us to live?
The future. We have to live in the future. At the risk of sounding like a political slogan, Forward Into Possibility. That is the inevitable sequel to the acts of our chucklemakers.
But we are going there anyway, so they are helping us face that future. It may not be as cosy and familiar as the past. Or the present. But it’s coming anyway. And faster than ever.
Realise it. Embrace it and you get the edge you need to survive, perhaps brilliantly.
Comedians are seers, historians, politicians, anarchists and diplomats. They tap into our brains and exploit our primal patterning. But it’s for our own good. It’s the most passive education you will find.
So as Microsoft’s tag line used to tease... Where are you going to go today?
Or tomorrow.
Have a Sherbet Dib-dab and think about it.

Lazy hacks

If I never read the phrase "scenery-chewing" in my TV guide again it will be too soon.
I think barely a week goes by when it is not slipped into one tired review or other.
And I always go.... Eh?
Does it just mean overacting? Well a quick search in my Egg-poaching advisor refers to it as hamming it up in a overdramatic way as if you were going to consume your surroundings, borne of the theatre and used over a century ago.
As an overused cliche, it is of course the reviewer who is over-reaching and hamming it up in a melodramatic fashion, peddling an old performance without flair or nuance.

I assume the irony is lost on them.

Dark Times

I am not here to bring back dark memories.
Far from it. But some things well, some things defy...
What I mean to say is that mysterious forces can play or rather conspire...
Look.
The point is..does anyone remember that peculiar part of the seventies maybe eighties when Grange Hill AND Give Us A Clue had the same theme tune?

Whaaat the bloody hell was all that about?

Poaching 1.02

Yesterday I poached an egg.

I can tell you are not impressed but it was my first time and I have been meaning to do it for about a year.
And a half.
So how did you do it?, I hear you cry.
Well pretty much like you might.
I Googled how to poach an egg. Obviously.
Various methods were tested and photographed by one plucky blogger.
And I followed his advice: to line a cup with cling film, drop the egg in, pick up the whole goldfish- in-a-bag affair squeezing the top closed and drop into boiling water for 2 minutes.
No mess. Perfect egg.
Any questions?


Today I'm poaching two eggs.

(I'm having quite a time)

Dubble trubble

Yesterday I broke a bottle at the supermarket checkout.
Yes I was the tragic idiot that held up, even vanished, the queue behind me. There followed sawdust which, to my mind, drew attention to the whole thing. After all, this wasn't a bottle of anthrax.
On the other hand the wet creeping evidence did nothing positive for my two pack of Andrex other than creating beer flavoured toilet paper. They say most genius inventions are accidental and the USP is evident but the market does not spring immediately to mind.
Then I insisted on paying for the damages by getting the cashier to scan the barcode on the fragments as it was clearly my fault. And he insisted on getting me another bottle in exchange, something I tried to avoid. After all with the length of time it was all taking we were starting to bond and I knew it would be hard to leave when the time came.
Then he told me in all his years of doing the job (he looked at least 19) I was the first person to offer to pay, making me a "very honest" person something he felt obliged to verbalise and proving once and for all that I am a great bloke.
True, it's a pity his ridiculous beard resembled a cyclist's chin strap as I might have found it easier to subscribe to his point of view. But this is 2009 and you get your endorsements where you can.
Come to think of it, the bottle only received the lightest of taps before breaking. Actually I don't think it was my fault.
No. It wasn't. That's right. I see it now.
How can I have been so blind?
I am a victim. Yes, that's what I am. I want a free gift voucher and I'm suing for damages. That's the real British way. well, maybe next time, it feels like a lot of effort and everyone was very sympathetic. They carried my heavy shopping right out to my mother and baby parking space without complaint as I strode ahead clearly in the lead.

The public witnesses around me seemed to appreciate how I tackled the situation. I can see how some might have interpreted the handclap as "slow" but I put it down to the chilly afternoon. Honestly their poor faces were almost purple.
So all parties were very efficient and professional. Yes, a lollipop would have been nice at the end of it all but they said they didn't have any.
In the spirit of coincidence almost exactly the same thing happened 20 seconds later at the till next to mine - there's probably a psychic fault line running through Shield's Road. I am going to call Derek Acorah. I am sure he can find something scary to film in the Hallowe'en aisle.

Meantime bring on the nomination for Morrison's Man of the Month.
Surely if can't be far away.

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Maths and Mechanics

Are some of your friends strong people, you think?
Do you know some you consider to be weaker? Weak even. Maybe because they don't agree with you. Maybe they are indecisive. Maybe they are wet lettuces. Simpletons.
But we know the weak can be strong in their most glorious times, perhaps the only times that matter. When hardship confronts or sickness strikes. A problem at work. A mortgage payment. An argument with the missus. A tsunami. Do you think there's a difference?
If you said yes then well, sorry. You cannot react proportionately to these things. ( I can. You can't).
Trust your weak side. Trust the weak. The world depends on them.
Believe in them as the rightful heir and advocate of the human spirit when the chips are no longer cheap and the world is moved to tears.
These weak people might be strong perhaps for the very reason they are considered weak - elements of compassion, generosity, a moral compass, a 6 inch ruler of kindness. A smile.
Too Channel 5 afternoon movie? Tough!
They might give of the things of priceless value. Their time maybe. Their bottomless selflessness. But these are elements that these wimps may consider duty, social debt. It's own reward? Ha!
The strong have a phrase for this : "being a loser". Synonyms. They wouldn't see the intersections. Venn was weak. Fun at parties. But weak.
I will cut to the punchline because maybe you are too strong or too weak to get it.
Here it is.
The strong are weak. And the weak are strong.
And it is a formula that works for everyone you know.
Or will ever know.
Think about it.
If you are strong enough, tell me I'm wrong. But then I'll know you are.. well, you get it by now.
They are only words of course, that conveniently divide the word into two neat parts. Whether or not I can use the word halves, only you can decide. Because it's your point of view we are talking about.
After all I don't agree with it.
There's hope for the weak, they are more than half way there. They have compassion and the ability to learn.
You'll need to work harder for the strong. They need the same stuff but you'll find it harder to get in.
Do it if you like them, they may be good value. Empathise. Help them. But protect yourself. Some you will need to excise from your life. If you need a formula, delete 2 from the number of dimensions to their personality. If you are left with zero or less, move on and don't waste all your energy. You'll need it for the long game.

Because come judgement day, they're just like the rest of us.