Sachsgate - The Revenge

This week Jonathan Ross returned to Radio 2 for the first time since his telephonic abuse of Andrew Sachs which believe it or not is 6 years ago now, although Sachs only spoke out earlier this year about the cruelty that apparently continues to haunt him. And this very day as I was filling up the car I noticed an interesting story about his brother, TV's Paul Ross, in today's tabloids.

Now it was good to hear Jonathan on the radio this week. He is interesting and a considerable relief from Steve Wright and the people who claim to love his show.

But it has long struck me that Ross and Russell Brand's apology was spectacularly unconvincing - one of the least heartfelt apologies in history, accompanied by giggles and about two years too late.

So today provides the perfect opportunity for the shoe to be tried on the other foot.

I wonder if Jonathan thinks it would be fair game for Barry (Paul Ross's gay mephadrone-taking dogging partner of the last 12 months who apparently wants to marry him, presumably after a divorce from his wife of 20 odd years) to phone up Mrs Ross (their mutual mother) and tell her he'd fucked her son, recording the call for transmission over the airwaves as a hilarious piece of entertainment.

No?

Thought not.

Cold Call Blues

Change your answering machine message to incorporate a 10 second gap then saying "Sure tell me more". They'll eventually realise you're an answering machine (You are!).

If they catch you answering the phone "live", adopt the same approach "live" to frustrate the cold callers. They'll eventually realise you're an answering machine (You aren't!)

For added flavour, why not improvise some interjections pepping it up like a bored counsellor feigning interest? A few select "I'm sorry to hear that" s or "Tell me more"s are a great start.

The more abstract you make your interjections, the more fun it is.

When people have had enough, thank them for calling.

Your confidence in talking to strangers will grow. 

Time well spent.

Snack Right

Put these crisps in some sort of vaguely 'correct' order for me?

Salt and Vinegar, Ready Salted, Cheese and Onion

Anything that feels right...

close your eyes if it helps...

then answer me this....

Why have you put Cheese and Onion in the middle?

Truer Than True

I don't know why sometimes BBC News occasionally lists daily top stories which are actually archives from years ago...some quirk of internet algorithms no doubt but it often happens that the story is an old one.

In today's Top 3 stories was 'Savile dies'.
I thought a different Savile from the tireless Saturday night TV entertainer might have died but no....
It is an old story from 2011 of the same well-loved BBC celebrity and pride of Leeds that raised so much for charity.

I read the article to see if there was a new twist.
But of course not. It was an archived article that for some reason was being re-referenced.

I could not help but catch a tribute by hairy cornflake, DLT.

Presenter Dave Lee Travis told Sky News: "We are all going to be worse off without him around."

Never a truer word, Dave. 

At least in your case

Taken By Numbers

I have only just realised why Taken is such a darned good film

It has exactly the same plot as Commando which is a darned good film.

I have an idea for a movie myself since you ask where a boy lives in a galaxy that is not too far away and travels with a female robot and a Dusty Bin playing with his light foil.

Now if I can just get the Intellectual Property cleared ... I'll be on easy street.

Exactly the same as Commando....keep 'em coming fellas.. don't make me wait another 20 years.

Colours and Noise

Sometimes all you need to mix things up is a bit of colour.

A walk in the park or a stroll into town. See what's new. What shops have appeared. Or disappeared.
What people are wearing.
What tech they are using.
Ask yourself why and match it to your view of the world.
Notice where your picture is incomplete or out of date.
Drink in the incongruity.

You will notice ignoramuses who make too much noise and block the footpath.
Traffic will beep, perhaps at you. You may break a law or a social etiquette. You may have got old and not wise.
You may have become a  duffer. A poor student. Poorly adjusted. Out of it. You may have stopped understanding the world. Found your limit.
Yes, the younger generation are glued to their mobiles, just as they were when they were above their cots. But it's the older fella staying in watching the box. The very parents who warned against it.
Is that irony? Or fate.
You may not notice the loss of connection.
You are not adapting. Your gears are becoming rusty. It didn't used to be this way. But things changed. Around you.
You may have shunned computers but now you cannot find a bargain. You can't shop around. Or bank. Or educate yourself in a balanced way.
When you made a den, you can die in its comfort but as the universe and world expands your box doesn't. So effectively, it shrinks.
This is the curse of designing your own comfort.

Now there is a lot to be said for keeping the world out. For a start it has a lot of youth on their facebooks.

But it is coming anyway. The best way to deal with it is to allow a little bit in and let yourself become disorientated just a little then let the sands settle.
The simplest way to do this is to go for a walk round town.
That's what my Dad should have done.
Not only is it good for your cardiovascular system but you can feel the noise. Live the colours. Breathe in the smell of sweaty hotdogs.
Notice the headline in the paper you've never read, a book in a bookshop that you haven't been in for years. Jeggings and Ra Ra skirts. Beards and an updated use of corduroy.
Just notice and let it change you into developing new thoughts. New ideas. New you.
Life floods in through the smallest chinks of light.

I am not a shopper myself so I am not hawking anything but good advice.
If you are lost. Go for a walk.
And not a quiet one. 

Fizz On

Of course that's never the full story, is it?

Nothing ever really dies.

That's just a lie we tell ourselves. When it suits us.

Sometimes we live on the shoulders of giants. Sometimes on pebbles just thick enough to allow our nose to be above water.

And some days once in a while, everything lives, everything sings, everything survives and everybody wins.

Yes, of course we move.  Because that's what we do. But we don't necessarily need to move past. We don't even always have to move on. But keeping going involve some sort of change. It's how you know you're alive.

And every door that slams means you notice a new chink of light. Detail that you couldn't see before.

Your new route. Your new alternative. Your new upgrade. 

​

Hello baby.

Fizz Off

Today I am retiring my Sodastream.

I know. You thought they were all retired many years ago.

Indeed although it was not this model, we had one in our family home as children.

The bottles were glass.

The machine was beige. And levered.

It cracked and crunched into position before you got busy with the proverbial fizzy.

You earned your spurs by not adding the concentrate too soon.

You became practised at cleanup.

But altogether, it was, let's face it, a jolly good wheeze.

So much so,  that many years ago I bought one myself and I've had it ever since.

I always wondered why they were not more popular. 

"Free fizzy drinks" means not carrying shopping bags full of soon-to-be flat water from the supermarket.

It is calorie-free fizz.

I'll wager if they were built into a third tap alongside hot and cold, every posh house would have one. Possibly even in the bath.

And once you rumble that you should never use their branded concentrates, you can add anything to them.

You never need to add anything sugary.... so it is the perfect GI diet drink.

It is the perfect diet drink.

But times move on.

We grow old.

Three years ago, they discontinued my canisters.

Which means they effectively discontinued my machine.

Some business minded smart-arse with a plan, no doubt.

A couple of years ago I managed to find myself a few cylinders a little north of where I live.

The last one has just run out. (Okay, admittedly, I'm not that busy with the fizzy)

Despite the advances of the Internet and e-mail, now there are only two options available to me.

Scrap the machine.

Or buy a home-made valve which allows me to personally refill my own cylinders, possibly by cosying up to the local fire service.

Believe me, I am tempted towards the latter. (Not in a homoerotic way just because I don't like to throw things away)

But even for me that is perhaps a palaver too far.

Even for me.

So today it's goodbye Sodastream. (I'm still struggling to find a way of disposing of the cylinders but it will come to me).

Thank you for your service.

Everything dies.

Everything moves on.

Thank you.

And good night.

Bananacops

Dear Anthea

 

Many thanks for your reply on this issue which I think concerns and affects us all daily.

 

I would be happy to become an unpaid volunteer in my local branch in Newcastle Upon Tyne in the interests of the wider community.

I would be prepared to undertake assurances I will not entrap anybody into splitting.

However should they effect such a strategy unprovoked, they will be easy to identify.

A close working relationship with your senior staff will enable me to point out the culprits in real time.

I believe an aggressive strategy of timely reminders in public areas would be sufficient to end this problem within a  matter of weeks.

I look forward to your agreement on this.

 

Best regards

The Great Banana Debate

Thought I would invite Waitrose to jump into the banana debate:

Thanks for taking the time to email us.
I have read your email with great interest and we do want our customers to receive products in the best possible condition. However unfortunately we cannot stop people from breaking the up bunches. I do apologise for this, we don't have a policy for this.

If you would let me know which branch you were in I could pass your feedback on to them.

I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards

Anthea 
Waitrose Customer Service

I've volunteered as a unpaid monitor in my local branch. 

During my new role I may decide to entrap few punters to increase my conviction rate.