Celebrate That

Eras of intention, invention, breakthrough and discovery.

All of mathematics and science.

All of time and space.

And nobody has discovered a way to make a greeting card in "landscape" stand up.

Decisions Decisions

People in seniority make decisions.

The chief executive of Bucks Healthcare (Stoke Mandeville) hospital two years ago denied that Jimmy Savile had the unfettered access that he did , which was essentially the run of the place. 

Go on, Jimmy...abuse as many children as you like, just keep bringing the cash in.

She blinkered her ears to being properly informed.

It was her job to know and she didn't find out.

Now she says the information wasn't available.

Well, you never hear when you close your ears.

You never see when you close your eyes.

She needs to resign.

She won't.

Poor decisions. Poor decision-making. Poor choices.

Wrong person. 

Wrong job.

The chief executive at Stoke Mandeville made choices. 

Breathtakingly poor decisions. And there is no reason at all to think the tacit condoning of Savile were the only poor decision she's made.

That should be enough to terminate her.

And it should enough to terminate her hospital.

Stoke Mandeville Hospital needs to be shut down. It is the sexual abuse hospital and the template for poor decision-making.

Schools are closed all the time when they failed to hit some ephemeral educational targets.

There is no place in the UK for the sort of values that Stoke Mandeville represents.

The point about decisions it that it is not just enough to make them. You have to make the right ones.

You have to be the sort of person who can make the right ones.

All voices can be heard but not all decisions are capable ones.

Politicians, senior policemen, lawyers, judges, make decisions all the time. But frequently, they are not good ones.

The reason is this.

Decisions are not the same as choices.

The concept of decision-making infers the concept of decisions being good ones.

Choices don't. They are just choices.

But all choices are not equal.

There is, or used to be an NHS website called Choices. There is an entire lobby of alternative bogus health remedies from homoeopathy to the Liverpool Care Pathway that consider themselves an equal and equivalent choice. 

People think they have the right to choose them. They do of course. But they don't have the right to make the taxpayer pay for them. And they always want that.

They want you to pay for every bogus treatment they think should be their choice to obtain for free.

These demands have helped to privatise (by which I mean sacrifice) the NHS.

Jihadi John has been unmasked as Mohammed the Briton, a serial beheader of innocent people, and yet only a handful of years ago, a charity CAGE to whom you may have given money, supported him. Only yesterday, they described him as a "beautiful man" and his cocky advocate shed a tear. The tear was for beautiful Mohammed the victim not merciless Mohammed the ruthless executioner and certainly not for the innocent victims he practised his beheading skills on. 

And why?

There's no mention of choice.

There is no mention of poor decision-making.

There is no mention of being bad. 

Or evil.

The only mention is of being radicalised.

Radicalised? Really. Radicalised?

What's that?

I thought we stopped talking about brainwashing in the 1950s? It was universally discredited.

Is that what we are talking about?

Or are we talking about recruitment by some charismatic Svengali? Some bearded crusader who floats around in a white smock performing minor miracles.

But of course a white smock wouldn't be his choice. It would be the black balaclava of cowardice. The full face mask of the guilty. And in the photograph with him will be the Kalashnikov of justice and truth.

Radicalised? No. 

Poor choices. Poor decision-making. Lack of morality. 

If we are going to allow the terminology of 'brainwashing' as a weak defence of weak Muslims, we have to allow it as an excuse for every other criminal. 

Stop them first. Analyse later. Thats' why we have history books. When you analyse badly you legitimise. That is a different prospect altogether. Lose sight of who the victims are adn you are qualifying to be redicalised yourself.  You are certainly not qualified to judge further.

But we don't  allow the brainwashing defence. We don't even consider it. It is never, ever mentioned. Even the crafty loophole lawyers steer clear of it, barrign teh occasioanl reference to Stockholm syndrome. I don't know of a brainwashing syndrome backed up by colourful MRI findings.

We might be sold the excuse that radicalisation is a word that has crept in because it is supposed to represent to some bigger ideal.

But that doesn't mean the human brain works differently in these people than it does in everybody else.

Poor decisions. Lack of morality. Poor choices.

There are no ultra-persuasive super-gurus. The Muslim children and adults at risk are frequently radicalised by "Internet". But you don't feel the breath of the Internet. You don't feel the touch and the timbre of a webpage. There's nothing here speaks to a new word of radicalisation that doesn't fit in with the tried and tested understanding of what weak human beings are. Children with tearful parents who managed to bring up their children without ethics and without pity for their fellow man. 

I'm sure they got some things right. Study hard. Earn pots of money. Write to grandma on her birthday. But the bigger picture of parenting was totally lost for simplistic rituals.

That void grew and that very determination that they had been instilled with by their parents developed into a personal desire for more influence. 

Their choice? To be part of a power that delivers beheadings, misery, death, disaster and fear to others.

Don't tell me these schoolgirls that are racing to the bosom of Isis are victims.

If they are then they are the victims of poor decision-making with which they have been instilled. 

The reasons for that are closer to their home than you would like to think.

Fills

What do you call the "ink module" in a ballpoint pen before you need a new one?

Stretchabolism

How do you stretch your heart?
I don't mean emotionally. It is not Valentine's Day anymore.
And we know how to do it anyway, don't we?
You do a little exercise.

You might even believe in the conspiratorial "fat-burning zone" which
provides two heart rates between which you burn fat.
To me that's never pass the plausibility test. But you believe what you like.

The people who think they know about stretching are usually referring
to good ole striated muscle.
Hamstrings and the like.
They can probably extend their learning is to smooth muscle of the heart.
They probably think it's a good idea to exercise your lungs as well,
but that's probably just the striated muscle in your rib cage.
And beyond that, they going to get a bit of a headache.

Although you might believe in exercising your brain. That's a good
idea isn't it?
It won't make it bigger but it might stave off dementia for a year or
two and we can all agree that making a few new connections is always a
good thing.
But doing Sudoku doesn't qualify, regardless of what Patrick Stewart
might tell you.

So you accept that stretching is more than your muscles. We are all agreed.
So how about this.
What shall we stretch next ?
It stretching is so protective, which organ will we target now.

How are we going to stretch our liver for example?
I'm sure you can think of a challenge for your liver that's not quite
the same thing?
How do you stretch its capacity in a way that is healthy?

And what about your gut. You throw everything at it 24 hours a day and
it only lets out the occasional grumble. It's constantly undergoing a
full workout.
So how would you give it a protective stretch, say to help the tuneup
its capacity to releasing hormones or avoid spasm?

We just about discovered what not to do with the pancreas. Don't feed
it sugar. When you're pancreas is feeling well it will metabolise your
glucose for you. But ask it to do it too often and the little grey
dishrag will go on holiday and leave you diabetes.

And stretch isn't just rest.

So how are you going to stretch your gut?
Don't tell me the cabbage diet people were right after all.
Don't tell me the concept of detox actually has something in it.
Please don't tell me that. For god's sake.


So give it some thought and get back to me.
Just how nice are you going to be to your bladder today?

I haven't done any research.
I just thought I'd run it up your flagpole.

And the world laughs with you

Comedians - let  me just give you a note or two

Cheer up! You know in life… Cheer. Up.

And as you get older don't increasingly pat yourself on the back at your ability to resist a laugh, at your ability to become more straight-laced and straight-faced.

Stop trying to be better than the laugh.

Don't analyse peoples jokes and measure them guiltily against your own before you provide a measured laugh according to percentages .. in case anybody is looking. Because they are looking and your miserable sour face will express disapproval and ruin it for everybody else. 

Put aside any other thoughts and just  laugh at the joke. 

If you can't do that just smile. 

In time it will turn into a laugh.

It's just practice. You knew it once. You've just forgotten.

Before you know it, some chemicals you've long since betrayed as you've trotted out your tired circuit-friendly scripts will reappear.  

Who knows... you might think of some new ideas, and not feel obliged to deliver the same set 100 times a year.

Try and remember why you went into comedy.

Was it to be miserable and make others laugh?

Or was it to laugh and make others laugh?

Or was it a live and hope that others stuck around while you did it?

Don't measure your quality by your ability to deadpan.

Just have a laugh. Even at that competitor you hate.

If you are a panel show, don't let the camera catch you looking frosty when somebody else makes a joke, just play along.

If you're a musician supporting a comedian, don't let the fact that you've heard the joke a hundred times before bother you, just smile. Pretend you haven't heard it before. That's what people on the stage do. They pretend it's the first time.

You can't all be deadpan. You're not all Stewart Lee. You're not all Steven Wright.

Remember how the old fellas did it. They had a laugh and finished with a song.

It okay to laugh at your own jokes.

We know they're not that good and it really helps us out. 

It sort of gives us a starter for ten. A kick-start.

It's no good blaming the fact that we haven't drunk enough alcohol to make you funny, and then remembering how great the audience was in the second half compared to the first. It's the same audience, moron.

Lighten up... 

Comedians sometimes give laughing a bad name.

And if you're not one of those comedians, pass it on. 

I can't do this alone.

Specials

Dear Aldi

 

I always have a slightly sad day when I open up the e-mail of Aldi Specialbuys  and see that it's only food (like this Sunday for example).

 

I know a lot of life is about coping with disappointment because some years ago I suffered from quite an unpleasant ingrowing toenail that really went on a bit I have to tell you. It wasn't funny at all.

But it does mean that nowadays I try to enjoy life's pleasures as much as I can.

So you can probably understand why opening up an email of such promise and finding it is promoting purely consumables is a bit like getting a nice birthday card when you're young and realising there's no money in it.

Or maybe like getting a book for Christmas.

A book!

 

I don't know if any of your other customers have suffered similar melancholy?

 

Best regards

Sir

.......................................... 

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your email to Aldi customer services.

We are sorry to hear you feel disappointed with this Sunday's special buys. We do try to cater for a variety of tastes and consumer requirements.

We hope you will continue to be a valued Aldi customer and would like to thank you for your feedback

Kind Regards

Aldi

 

 

 

And They're Off

The main diagnosis I make in people is poor decision-making.

It is the root of so many of our poor results.

A scientist might need better information, more science, to make better decisions.

But the day-to-day business of "lifestyle stuff" you know already. By and large, you already know what the good decisions are.

It's the 'not-choosing-them' that you've added.

You know you shouldn't smoke. 

You know it's a good idea to do a bit of exercise. 

You know you shouldn't be unkind to people.

You know you shouldn't raise your voice.

And you even know why you know these things.

Largely because your mother pointed it out to you.

Not all of you. Some of you may not have known your mothers. Some of your fathers may have beaten it into you and failed to practice what they preach without a sense of irony.

But for one reason or another, you know these things.

It's the 'ignoring it' that you've added.

So why is it so difficult to do what you should?

Well maybe it is not sexy, or even attractive. 

It might well be boring, endless even. 

It's probably not original (and you think you are). 

It's probably not unique or quirky or maybe not  fun. 

Maybe you think life is too short to do the boring stuff.

So you make your bad decisions.

You probably don't even make them. 

You let Mr or LIttle Miss Lazy make them for you.

I meet endless numbers of people who take endless quantities of Valium.

And they almost persuade me everytime it's a good thing to do because it makes them feel good.

So I give them Valium. Theoretically to prevent a fit from not having Valium.

They pick me up on not giving them "enough" or as much as they would like to make them feel as good as they would like to feel. 

It sounds simplistic but I want them to feel good. 

But I want them to feel challenge as well. 

Ying. Yang. Basic principles.

They can have it but not before they've listened to my, well... what they frequently unkindly referred to as a 'lecture'.

(If it is it's a lecture I'll tell you it's a bloody good one because I've been to loads). 

But the fact is they want to feel good and they have found something that does it for them PDQ. It's pretty compelling. Have you done that? I'm not sure I have.

Sometimes I have difficulty articulating my objections because it makes them feel good and apparently nothing else I can deliver quickly will.

But they are right.

I'm going to challenge them. Lecture them if you must.

Some people walk out. They don't like it.

Some people can't get enough of it. So when I'm done with both barrels, I reload.

Here I am.....swanning in.... giving them more bad news about how turning things around may take some work, how they'll feel better in the long run, why it is the right thing to do etc. The boring stuff. Sure it's performed like an Academy award winner. But still the real implications of some of the content.... are not appealing.

What they needed is strategy.

Tricks. I'm not above asking them to make their mother proud. I don't care if they're in the 70s or if she is in a different realm.

We are as far as we are aware that most extraordinary thing the universe has ever created.

What we need are tricks to harness our power.

Shortcuts to strength.

We can't all spend 20 years up a mountain meditating about peace.

Good god... imagine the sort of people that you'd meet. And I can't imagine the food be anything more than basic. 

For someone who can't carry off pink, an orange cassock is going to be a tough sell. I wouldn't be beyond a tailored number in burnt umber, but I just don't think that sort of people will be focussing on that sort of detail.

No, we need results now.

So we have to try something else on for size.

We need to hack.

We need to fool our subconscious.

We need to trick our minds to flex our choices.

We need to exert ourselves to exert ourselves.

If it's not fun we have to make it fun.

If it doesn't feel good, we have to pretend it does until it does. And then lie to ourselves if necessary. Until the good things are true.

If you want originality, find an original way to the same result. One that suits your personality.

If you're quirky, make it quirky.

If you're sexy, make it sexy.

If you can't bear things that seem never-ending, make it end. But start again. And keep starting.

Until you stop... until you finally stop.. 

Keep Starting.

And Clean-up's A Breeze

You know that bit on the advertisements for all the kitchen gadgets where they talk about clean-up?

The bit where they say just dismantle the product and rinse it under the cold tap. And you're done.

Well, I'm sorry to mention this but...why don't you?

Why do you feel the need to put everything in the dishwasher?

Honestly. 

You're such a disappointment to me, you really are.

The Emperor Collection

I've ordered myself a puzzle box of clothes from a business that made it through Dragon's Den this week - "Enclothed".

Seems like quite a good idea so I thought I would give it a crack. Kind of a personalised service. In a fashion.

You don't even have to buy them up front.

You get them on approval.

Does anybody remember that concept? Approval. They don't even charge your credit card. It is taking me back to my days thumbing the Stanley Gibbons catalogue.

I advised Toby (my apparently real stylist) to avoid red. I've not knowingly ever carried it off.

And Toby contacted me a few hours later to ask me if pink was OK.

PINK!

So I e-mailed him back both barrels.

"Hate pink – on me and everyone else.

It has been the biggest trick the fashion industry has ever pulled to persuade anybody that they look good in pink. 

They don't.

Hugh Grant, maybe. 

Once. 

In 1985.

 

All men look terrible in it and they deserve our displeasure.

At best, it's a sign of a used car salesman or dodgy toff. 

At worst it is a sign of a deluded half-wit.

It always grabs attention as the most displeasing thing in the room, worthy of more comment than its owner. You are no longer an individual. 

You are the idiot who chose to wear  the pink shirt. 

You might as well have broken wind loudly after an intensive cabbage diet.

So no.

No pink for me thanks".

And tonight, a few hours later, he phoned me up to tell me he was wearing pink.

But he was joking.

To tell me he only had pink clothes left.

And he was joking.

To tell me there would be a delay in my order.

He wasn't joking.

So I reassured him that I couldn't care less when the delivery came and that a delay would be fine.

I can see how any new organisation could possibly be fully prepared for an instant national launch on a prime-time transmission on a popular TV programme. 

And he phoned to tell me that at the end of a very long day, he thoroughly enjoyed my e-mail and it was a very welcome read.

So that's nice, isn't it?

Somebody phoning me up to tell me he liked my joke.

That's service.

This business could go far.

Able Was I

Has anybody ever accused you of being a cynic? Of course they have.

I have to say nobody has said that to me recently but it's something I always expect. When you present a compelling opinion and perform it with clinical accuracy, you invite attack.

The more deadpan delivery you choose, the more the weak will feel they have to urgently respond.

When faced with an opinion informed with a gritty realism (mine), you can expect some people of fairly low resources to strike out.

But that won't tell you anything about me.

It will only tell you something about them.

Firstly about their capacity for name-calling, previously the prerogative of the playground.

Secondly about their own personal ability to achieve whatever the subject is that I'm actually referring to.
Thirdly that they don't know the difference between cynical and clinical.

So their rejoinder will give you three beams with which to illuminate the darker corners of their personality. They give away much more information than they think they are soliciting just with their approach, their manner.

In my case, I'm much more likely to be called an idealist. 

I don't know which is the least friendly way of telling me I'm "out of touch", but frankly I don't really mind either... cynic or idealist. There is worse to come.

But whichever word is chosen, it will only tell you something about the person who chooses it. 

How they feel towards me, which is likely to be ambivalent at best. 

What their character is all about, which is saying negative things to other people they may barely know.

All the while illustrating a taste for self-flattery that borders on delusional.

Which am I? An idealist. Or cynic? 

Well, it is your diagnosis... so how nasty are you feeling today?

Because any opinions you may have heard from me have been either experientially informed or are playfully inquisitorial. Or a joke.
Are you really sure you've made a diagnosis which one, before you open your face? 

Don't you have checks? Balances? Anything to ensure you know what you are talking about?
In the time it took you to react, (for that is what is happening, there is no considered response here), those key factors remained unconsidered. Unprocessed. You are just throwing mud hoping to hit a target and score a point for your mythology. You might have been Fry-level articulate but the fact that you have reacted in that way precludes that. (The three points above make that a racing certainty).

So. I say the best way to do something is "X".

When you come back at me and say well "it's impossible to do X all the time, but I'm sure YOU do", is that really supposed to be an articulate, mature contribution?

Cynics are the opposites of idealists.

If you going to name call, at least get it right. Gather enough information before taking breath.

And, if it wouldn't kill you, present it with a little more charm.

Because if you are looking to score some points off somebody, you are looking in the wrong place.

I like my idealism. I like it exactly where it is

But if you sense cynicism, look in the mirror before you open your mouth.

There are cynics to the left of you, jokers and idealists to the right... and here I am stuck in the middle with you. But don't worry....
You can still win this.
I'm going to tell you how.
I'm going to hand you victory.
You can call me ... an outlier.
What better way of estranging a challenging opinion.
Exile.

And if you're worried that I'm out out of touch, well, don't worry about it. As a correctly identified "outlier" you can just kick me (and any inconvenient ideas that get caught in the backdraft) into touch.  (Ever read any Orwell?)
I'm used to it, believe me.
You will have defended your borders.
Your bubble will be undamaged.
Order will have been restored.

Call me what you like.
Cynic. Idealist. Outlier.
I don't mind any of them. They're all true.

But I'm not alone.
There are at least two of us who are not defined by any of them.

Me.

And Patrick McGoohan.

LOL

If you LOL me, can you please send me additional video evidence of you actually laughing out loud?

I'm not keen on being patronised.

Betting on Black

Do you think school bullies, career criminals and general all round rotters... when they watch a movie, do you think they root for the bad guys? 

Test of Time

I'm going to design a dating website for the over forties.

Would it be OK to call it Carbon Dating?