Getting Funky

Why is looking kind of funky good?

And smelling kind of funky bad?

Modern Times

There is a need, probably, for modern quotes.
The glorious concept of the quote is tainted somewhat by a brilliant
Churchillian history.
There's more to it.
Language changes.
Even dictionaries evolve.
There is no quote that ends with an emoticon. That's not because it's
impossible, impractical or poor. Well OK, it is because it's
impractical.

Language needs to speak to people of all shapes and sizes and cultures.
The quote and the insult are its most succinct weapons.

Timothy Spall tells a chat show story of recovering from cancer, a
diagnosis throughout which his thoughts were eminently profound.
On getting better he notices that he is back to moaning at drivers on
the road and nitpicking, I daresay comedically, commenting
cathartically at detail, then he is right to claim..

"Never fear being a petty fool. It means you ain't dying".

How to Reduce Junk Mail

I am pronouncing my experiment into reducing my junk mail of the last fortnight, a success.

I reckon I've knocked it down by about 90%.

Trouble is..

..kind of miss it.

​

Half Man

Quite often, nibbling each spiral

...after swimming at Yearsley..

when nerve allowed

yes, had some of these too

Remember when they were 3p a bag - cheap even in those days

loved these  - I tracked a sixpack down about 5 years ago after finding they were still made for the Irish market

big buzz around these..

Yes...

Sometimes I think I must be half crisp

Diss Likes

4 Things I Like

• The dry bit under cars on a rainy day
• Refreshers (both the chewy and chalky versions - the sweet so good they not so much named it twice but gave 2 sweets the same name. Come on Barratts and Swizzels Matlow, be friendly!) 
• Getting anything out of a tree
  
• Onion 'n' Vinegar Wheelz (Come on Nibbitz, bring them back!)

11 Things That Get on My Nerves

• Opening packs of toilet rolls.
• Anyone who tells me to "make some noise" (and lives)
  
• Anybody who says "We would never have had 'X' without 'Y' ". e.g. We'd never have had the The A Team without Coronation Street. We'd never had had Rambo without Lonnie Donnigan. We'd never have had Emmerdale without Pride and Prejudice. (In music this generally involves the Beatles. In comedy usually it involves Monty Python).
• Car poppies.
  
• Conductors (the pointless humans not the hot metals)
  
• Semiconductors (neither here nor there)
  
• Any movie described as 'gruelling'. 
  
• Chris Evans
• The 'Ready' in Ready Salted. Unnecessary
  
• Singers who call their show "An Evening with..." (Get over yourselves and sings some songs).
  
• Anybody who says "Spoiler Alert" and then doesn't leave enough time to punch them in the face before they speak again.

Quotable Me 14

Life is a trick you play on yourself.

Haiku Blues

I think we have the Haiku to blame for the premature death of the risque limerick

Those darn Japs! More efficient at everything.

My sort of haiku 

Is an Irish rhyme that can

Lower your IQ

Vs 

There was a young fellow called Farquhar 

Who wished that the sun could be darker

His collar too tight 

He winced in the light

He looked like he'd come from Osaka 

Take your pick!

SHATTERED

Competition entry.
Task - write a short story of exactly 100 words incorporating three specific words (jade, conduit, effervescent). The closing date to enter is Friday 10 October at 10 am EDT / 3 pm BST.



SHATTERED


Jade slid the rusty safety chain on the front door and powered up the laptop.

She'd find the reasons for Jerry's recent twitchiness, his quietness, lack of eye contact, angry lovemaking. "It's not OK to love Call of Duty more than me!"

The Search Conduit virus infected the machine, uninvited pop-ups effervescent as she crept and crawled through his browsing history, anything but silently.

She'd take a quick look and then disappear, deleting any trace of her presence, still unsure if mutual betrayal could be CntrlAltDeleted.

A push at the door and the safety chain shattered...
Jerry.
With AK47.