The Safe

We have a safe place inside us, where devils fear to tread

The guest list to this protective nucleus is limited because time and space are finite.

But from this vantage point, we can fly into its atmospheric rings or tiptoe in slow motion or flit and dance in its electron cloud.

We can look down or look out.

We can rest or hide.

We can sing Elvish or Elvis.

It's our nucleus.

But in the epicentre, space is in short supply.

A safe place can be small, dark, cramped, locked.

Open it and is no longer quite so safe. No longer a safe.

And when uncle safety takes a holiday, aunty anxiety might invite herself round.

Just saying...keep an eye out.

The Trappings

What do you do for the trappings?

What do you do for the spoils?

Trappings... Spoils.... Why do you think they call them that?

Don't worry. 

You don't need to tell me.

I'm not the Joneses.

The Offer

You hear this more and more in retailing  - talk about the "offer". 

The offer is what you sell.

Of course, in life, we sell ourselves to some degree or other. 

We are our own offer.

Sometimes we are premium. Sometimes value.

Sometimes extra special. Sometimes extra tasty.

Sometimes we discount ourselves, or give ourselves away too cheaply.

Sometimes we are guaranteed. 

Sometimes we break.

And we all need to remember to put a special on from time to time.

Or Bogof!

Save The CEOs

I'm not going to adopt a snow leopard.

And I'm not going to adopt a tiger.

We are told by the WWF that there are just 3200 tigers left in the world. 

They want £3 a month from me to adopt one.

Now as I would not like to share my tiger (I would think such a concept would be a pretty dishonest scam), that marketing approach can only raise a maximum of £9600 per month.

My guess is that wouldn't cover a fraction of their television advertising budget.

What it could do however, is paid for some of the petrol for the Chief Executive's car.

And we can do more if we work together. 

Because the World Wildlife Fund UK's Chief Executive earns over £140,000 per year. That's donations from you and I. 

Well... you, mainly.

And at £3 per month, it will only take 3,889 of us, responding to their advertising campaigns and all working together, to pay his basic salary.

What you're doing is adopting a Chief Executive. (And no, you don't get your own).

Come on guys.. It is not even the donations of 4000 people.

He can't live on air!

All Good Things..Being Equal

I just caught a few minutes of the wonderful 80s series Highway to Heaven.
I used to watch quite a bit of this. I can't think of anything today that mimics its mastery of inspirational melancholy as entertainment.
I imagine this stuff is weakly catered for in the occasional chick flick.
But is it weekly catered for?
Who is doing this sort of stuff on TV?
Because it is really good. It is real drama.

It has religious overtones as it's about an angel going round doing good deeds.
But if you stick to great actors and one of them is Michael Landon, it oozes class.
Maybe it helps that the script writers could riff on the sort of uplifting navelgazing that they didn't get the chance to do when knocking out a script for the A Team.

It only took a couple of minutes to have me in tears. But I have to say they did layer on the drama.
It's like a therapy-light.
And in a TV series that was long-running and covered many of life issues, I wouldn't object if they show that in schools. Or studied it at Uni. I know UK University media related degrees lean toward TOWIE
or Big Brother but I recommend Highway To Heaven.

Now, it is hidden away on the sort of channel that calls itself something like True Entertainment.
Which means that in the advert breaks you are faced with an inordinate number of appeals for Kuymbe - a child prodigy discovered by Save the Children who found him starving and are refusing to feed him with any
of its multi-million pound resources until I send £2.

That lot could do with watching a few episodes from Highway To Heaven.

I also liked The Equalizer.
He kicked people's heads in.

Timothy Claypole

Nowadays, the threat of the stressed and cornered to self-harm is
incredibly widespread. Commonplace even.

But police and doctors have to watch out for it.

When killing yourself is such a universal threat - how can you assess it?
Well...you have to predict the future.
You have to put a number on it.
Weigh emptiness.

And if it is not too much trouble I'd like you to be correct 100% of the time.
Please.
Which will be hard for you. I know you and I know that's not your strong point.
Fortunately for you, the task is not yours to acquit.
I'll take it from here.

Try this starter for ten from police custody.

"I'm going to kill myself.
But I really need to be at work on Monday!!"

Now...unless he works for Rentaghost.............

Bagpuss's best friend

I have a friend who has got himself one of those 'electronic
girlfriend's and I recently found out that she's called Milly.

Now I didn't know if this was a doll, an Internet kind of thing, a
Tamagotchi or something in the dark web that might be a little bit
more.. well niche, shall we say? Or maybe something even more
high-tech, something virtual. A Fembot perhaps. After all, I have a
robot that does my hoovering - that's already more than most women
will do nowadays.
Basically I didn't know what an electronic girlfriend was.

Then I realised there was no such thing.

She's just called eMily.

My Lords and Ladies and Dentists

I treated myself to a new crown yesterday.
What does £495 buy you nowadays? I bet you're wondering.
Well it was so cheap (I know that's what you are thinking ) because of
a 20% discount due to a wonderful dental plan I'm in.

I was rather looking forward to my 20% reduction to £400 but I was
reliably informed that the full price was a suspiciously un-round
£618.
And for this I received one Empress Crown.
No, it doesn't come with land rights or any such duchy-dom.
Not so much as the key to Duke Street or a lowly cucumber sandwich
with.. oh I don't know... Princess Eugenie (is that right?)

It's a pretend tooth, you see.
This is a creature of zirconium.
Yes that's what I thought - the same zirconium you get in cheap
jewellery. The same stuff Ratner said was crap.
There can't be two zirconiums, can there?
Zirconia?
That sounds like something Picard and The Next Generation (No, that's
not a band, Grandma, get with it!) would have gone after - a stone's
throw from Cardassia perhaps.

No, it's the necessary material for a dental crown. Or rather the
bottom bit of one. And not the good type you wear on your head,
during official engagements and bar mitzvahs.

But is a curiosity, I thought, that it is named after a woman.

A dental crown of course is fake, manufactured to be particularly
hard, designed to apply pressure and bite. The sort of thing you can't
get out of your head without some considerable difficulty.

No... it's hard to imagine why they named it so.

Mangosteens and Denzel

I like a vigilante.

I've never understood why there aren't more of them.

Who else is going to ride the white horse because there's room on mine for two? 

Who else is going to defend the weak?

Who else is going to take on the big guys?

A fat local councillor?

A self-interested politician? 

A fund raiser for an eye catching charity you decide to back?

No..

Only the original.

Only the skilful.

Only the sly.

Only the strong.

Only the brave.

Only the spry.

Those that don't sell out because what they have isn't a commodity. 

Those who have a goodness that isn't a good.

Those that keep half an eye on who they are so can't lose sight of their principles.

And they'll need them...oh they'll need them and more besides.

Because integrity is expensive, emotionally and practically.

The modern world dislikes it because can't be outsourced, and its too zesty and rare to mass distribute or roll out in a program. 

It's a mangosteen.

It's the domain of people who don't lose their minds and replace them with someone else's.

Who retain original thought and don't chastise others for it.

Who don't confuse compassion for marshmellow.

It's people who deliver in real life and don't just wait for their kicks at the movies.

Who are buying not selling.

Whose number one purpose isn't just to build empire.

People ....who don't tread on angels.

Wipe Down

What is it with airlines always wanting us to wipe ourselves?

Hot. 

Cold.

Chemical lemon fresh...

It's not normal!

And when you do bother to shove it down the front of your trousers, they frown at you. 

In Dutch.

It won't do.

It really won't.