Eggs & Tits

Do you ever feel like you're being played?

Case in point. A live Saturday night Britain's Got Talent final where Simon Cowell gets, wait for it ... egged.

The outrage!

Is this really the best we can do? An egging?

And this wasn't delivered by some 20 stone Father 4 Justice scaling the stage in a Superman outfit. No, they save themselves for spray-painting a portrait of the Queen. Well done, fellas.

The "perpetrator" cast in this role was a giggling viola player in a black dress, throwing out half a dozen 'free-range', frankly... like a girl.

If it was up to me all the parties involved would have been hard-boiled.

Presumably viola-girl was told there is no such thing as bad publicity, when the genius behind this "sensational" live event got to sign her contract of silence.

Even Simon had a magnanimous egg-related pun to deliver just in case you doubted the stunt's lack of authenticity. A live joke from somebody as comedically witless as a man who stays up to 3am watching the Flintstones every morning? That's the most improbable thing of all.

And in the same show, in a lesser publicised incident, Amanda Holden decides while , barely needing to move from the sitting position, to lop a tit out in a manoeuvre commonly known as the celebrity nipple slip.

Really? She wasn't dancing the fecking lambada for crying out loud.

We don't mind being played.

Frequently we will even play along.

But for goodness sake, put some effort in.