Please Help

Some of the richest actors in the world need your help.

Ewan McGregor and Daniel Craig need YOU to send a fiver every out of your family allowance or every benefit cheque to make sure the head of the World Wildlife fund has an Audi with a 2017 registration plate.

The chief of the RNLI is barely scraping by on only £151,000 of your donations. Please help him. 

The head of Marie Curie is getting by on only £160,000 of your donations. 

Please give more, now.

The boss of Save the Children makes ends meet on only £234,000 of your donations. Can't you pit a little more aside for her well being?

Please don't make any of these heroes serve Prosecco at their next ball when they deserve champagne.

Failed drug charity Turning Point pays only £210,000 to its boss. What sort of pleasure can he possibly have on that at today's prices?

Wake up. Yes you, on the sofa in your pyjamas watching Gogglebox. These people are worth their weight in gold. Help them. 

What do you have in your purse? Send it now. Text this number.

And don't waste your time contributing to your local community or just helping elderly neighbours. That sort of drop in the ocean is exactly the twisted sort of thinking that is never going to influence national statistics.

Adopt a dyslexic tramp instead and we'll get him to send you a postcard. 

If you can, please give more. 

Not your time. Fuck that. Your money.

Not in a tin. Fuck that. Direct debit.

Now. 

Do it now.

[Gold should be posted in a padded envelope]

Thank You.