Donnie WhatNo!

I just watched a film which I have been meaning to watch for years.

Knowing it was utterly brilliant, I've even bought it as a DVD for a Christmas present some years ago thinking "dead cert" - "everybody loves this" - "stocking filler/crowdpleaser/job done".

Sadly, I've just discovered it's rubbish.

Yes, I know I was as shocked as you are.

But Donnie Darko is not a film you should waste any time watching.

And yet it scores 8.1 on IMDb. It scores 85% on Rotten Tomatoes (although the comments aren't great).

One word keeps coming... Overrated

We loves Gary Jules 'Mad World' song. It's brilliant. But it's not a reason to watch the film.

But once again the Internet actually does have all the information you need to discover this but when you look at reviews on IMDb, (not for the first time) you have to select the people who disliked the movie.

They will tell you accurately everything about why it's not entertaining.

Then, it's your own lookout.

What's going on with the rest of these people, I really have no idea.

Although if they went around wearing hats that scream in embroidery "I Have Poor Judgement", it would make life an awful lot easier.

15th of January 2014

The morning of joining the queue at City Hall to buy Frank Skinner
tickets. Two people were already waiting. It was 9.55 and we had 5
minutes to wait so I opened the conversation.
"Are you here for a Frank Skinner", I said to the lady who was just in
front of me in the runner-up spot.
"No, I'm waiting for Peter Andre, he's waiting for Frank Skinner",
pointing to the man in front.

"Ah Peter Andre". I said, "he doesn't give up, does he?"
She smiled. He smiled. I smiled.

The man in front - the hardest core Frank Skinner fan in our group -
asked her if Peter Andre tickets were just going on sale today too.
"No, they've been on sale for a while", she said.
We were engaging, communicating, almost like real human people.

I made a couple more gentle digs at Peter Andre and the man in front
smiled at our gentle banter as a woman approached to take a position
behind me.

Now we were four. Three Frank Skinner fans and a Peter Andre enthusiast.

I thought of various other cheeky comments about the Andre but spared
them. It might have been the place but it wasn't the time. It didn't
seem right when I'd donated such a generous spirit to the group.
Besides, it was three against one.

The man at the front was hoping for good tickets and informed me that
Ticketmaster didn't have a very good allocation. This was good
information that I had thought to research myself, but hadn't
bothered.
I had some info to swap in that I knew that Ticketmaster had an hour
head start, selling from 9am instead of 10am.

When you want tickets for something you always assume that millions
are going to be queuing up when they go on sale but Frank had perhaps
dropped a little bit off the radar. So while I was sure it would sell
out it was becoming obvious that that would not be necessarily
immediately. Not with three Skinner fans and a Peter Andre enthusiast
in the queue.
However, we were painfully aware that 6 billion people have access to
the phone lines and might have been ahead of us in the queue. Yes, I
mean you Viagogo.

I said to the new lady behind me - "Who did you come for?"
"Frank Skinner", she replied.
"Really, I had you down as a Peter Andre fan!"
She laughed.
Then there was a pause.

"Who have you come?" for she returned.
I laughed. "I'm been played at my own game. I said"
She laughed
Time passed.
It wasn't raining.

The box office door to Wonderland eventually opened.
The laborious process of each individual buying tickets was about to
take place - giving their postcode, their name and address... was it
always so difficult?
There were two box office staff and it was to take up to 5 minutes per
buyer. Numbers two, three(me) and four were about to become irritated
when we realised that one ticket seller was dedicating herself to the
phone line serving people who haven't even queued.
We were all about to be outraged.

But that hadn't happened yet. We were blissfully innocent.
We'd had our little bit of banter about the two acts and up marched
our leader, the first man in the queue who'd smiled his way through
our extended four-way.

"Six tickets for Peter Andre please", he announced.
As he slapped his forehead and quickly corrected himself, we all erupted.

On Early Retirement

Michael Phelps has come out of retirement because since giving up swimming because he has put on some weight.

Steven Hendry is considering coming out of retirement due to a change in the rules of snooker.

Frequently anybody who wins an win Olympic gold (or, nowadays, silver or bronze) says "right, that's it!". Now pay me my £5 million cornflake/dodgy vitamin pill ad dealoh give me a series and ITV2 and I'm done....Oh no, I won't be repaying any of my national sponsorship and investment in me, and I will be boring you on the TV commentary circuit for the rest of my natural life.

Steve Davis has never gone into retirement.

All these people who retire too young to protect their legacy of invincibility are chambers of egomania, too concerned about their legacy of, in the case of swimmers/athletes, flash-in-the-pan brilliance.

We can all be flash in the pans. That's not the challenge of life.

The greatest gift a Steve Davis can give is to keep trying, show hard work, keep enjoying something that you can do, and if you happen to unfortunately give your young opponents a story about the day he beat the Davis, then that's a great gift.

The rest of them should get over it, and get over themselves.

They are too scared about damaging their boring autobiographies. 

What is reputation anyway?

You can't eat it and it won't win you a game of snooker or a 100 metre butterfly.

Find something you can do and keep doing it.

If you don't have anything ready to take its place, don't give it up.

Stop living your own obituary.

Away Day

I don't know what you call this literary technique, but you know when somebody converts a well-known saying and twists it into something just slightly different?

Let me show you what I'm thinking of. It particularly happens in theme songs, particularly Bond themes. For example... 'For Your Eyes Only', is titled after a secret MI6 document, but the song is more about seeing Sheena Easton in the nuddy.

I remember the old Channel 4 comedy series Who Dares Wins did a sketch using their own theme song and sang it to the lyric of Who Cares Wins, referencing this particular idiosyncrasy.

Now I was just thinking you could take a line from the 1980s classic Robocop.

"Come with me if you want to live".

I was just thinking wouldn't it be nice to change this into "Come with me if you want to love".

But it doesn't always work does it?

Firstly, this could sound a bit cheesy or creepy, or like an invitation to a dogging event.

Worse still, you might say it in a Yorkshire accident.

"Come with me if you want to, love" .... 

Then it just sounds like you are bringing the car round ready for a day trip to Filey.

Maybe I'll work out the subtleties after a punnet of cockles.

The Magic If

Craving Vision

He'd been an hour waiting, taking his time, thinking what he would say.

Hi there - fancy a drink, hey, maybe we could meet up, I've been meaning to tell you that I'm falling for you.

Or, he chuckled to himself, come with me if you want to live. Eighties kid.

He would have to layer it on. He would need to see the white of her eyes. He always needed see the whites of their eyes.

He sidled up to her at the bar. The bar-keep kept. Disinterestedly.

This is going to be a good night.

“I've got this feelin'” a feeling that he indulged. That he entertained. As he entertained. As he continued to ply her with cocktails and buy her an attitude. He’d make sure that it won't subside. It would grow. Reach.

He'd chosen her from...for...her eyes.

He’d done it several times before. Great idea.

Pleasing.

He'd never been caught.

It was easy.

“I look at you”, he would tell them as he caked on a new layer of flattery.

And he would layer it on. 

“Natalie... I fantasise”

‘You're mine tonight now’, he'd think. He'd know.

The hard work was done.

That's Game.

He squinted. I've got you in my sights.

He stroked Jasper. What pleasure you have brought me, my friend, with your yellow, your black stripes, with your hearty appetite. What pleasure you bring me with your hungry eyes.

He thought of Natalie. Natalie with the pretty eyes. One look at you, Jasper is satisfied. Jasper will love me. And I can't disguise that he will love you.

You’re satisfied - his hungry eyes.... satisfied.

Natalie - another Cosmo? Of course... allow me. Perhaps a chaser?

You know, I kind of feel the magic between you and I...I.....I ....I  wanna hold you so why don’t we get out of here before they play the slowies....? Whadda you say?

“I know it's soon, I know we just met but hear me out. When it's right, it's right”

“I wanna show you how I feel. Maybe tonight is the night we both work out this life we’re creeping through? Come on. Take a chance. What have you got to lose, darlin'?

Come back with me. Come back home with me. I got something that I want to share with you.

She comes. Oh my God, she actually comes.

Now I've got you in my sights.

Game and set.

Jasper looking at me. I can feel your hungry kind of feeling, with those beautiful hungry kind of eyes. Patience, my love.

Natalie - one look at you and I can't disguise the many Cosmopolitans I've bought you. No, I'm just kidding.

I've got hungry  - how about a sandwich, some peanuts? Eyes feel the need for nuts. Sorry, maybe I've had one too many myself.

Don't worry about that noise. I have a small Chihuahua dog. I'll  introduce you. I think you are really going to get on. But you know I really feel the magic between you and I...

I've got hungry eyes

Now I've got you in my sights

With those hungry eyes

Did I take you by surprise?

I need you to see

This love was meant to be

Game and Set and Match.

PS RIP

Quotable Me 12: Illustrated Me 1

April Fish Day

Ha ha ha ha ha, you idiots.

All the 500 blogs I have written so far were just a joke.

You fell for it.

Mugs.