Anti-Gravity

Well I've just been to see Gravity in 3-D. It was the final screening at the cinema and I'd had it in mind to catch because the world has been raving about it for so long.
Best film, best film of the year (last year), BAFTAs, Oscars.
"If you see any film in 3-D, it has to be this one".
"This film has to be seen in 3-D"
A score of 97% on the Rotten Tomatoes respected film review. A huge score of 8.1 on the Internet movie database.
Etc etc etc.

So what's it like?

Well...

It's claptrap.
And not good claptrap. Because I do like a bit of good claptrap.

Why is it so overrated? Presumably because the visual effects are first-class.
Does it look like an accurate representation of a space station been hit by debris. Yes. I'm sure it could not be bettered. So what? Who cares about that? Visual effects are supposed to be invisible when you're watching a movie?
You might believe a man can fly, but we are really only interested if he's going to kick General Zod's arse.

Is there a plot?
Well, I'm going to tell you the plot. Two people are working on space station when some debris comes along and one or both of them might find enough stuff that still works to make it home.
Okay are you with me. Because that's it.
Now there's nothing wrong with been able to summarise the plot of the film in one sentence. But you have got to play it for thrills and spills haven't you?

So it has a really good script to sell it, doesn't it?
The script is pathetic. It could be written by a fourth grader and I don't even know what a fourth grader is.

So the casting is really good, right?
It's George Clooney. Now I know this is a divisive thing but I'm not a huge fan of George Clooney. However, I once liked something he did (I can't remember what) and I liked him in this as he wears a helmet.
This prevents his head from nodding side to side like a schizophrenic Churchill dog, so at least he has a little, well, Gravitas. In fact, come to think of it, I like him in all his other movies where he doesn't waggle from side to side. If there were any. Which there aren't.

And alongside him. Oh dear. Oh dear, deary me. Sandra "Miss Congeniality" Bullock.
Now I love Miss Congeniality.
But staring at her padded bra and padded lips as the heroine of our space drama? Really? Please!

Early in the movie she gets launched into space without any way back.
Isn't that an acting gift to portray certain death?
Not to Sandra. The vacuum of space had more emotion.

So should it win awards? Yes, of course. Best technical achievement or best special effects.
But anything else? No way.

So what have I learned?
Never believe anything Mark Kermode says on his film reviews.
I never need to see another film in 3-D because if Gravity can't do it for me, nothing will. (I knew this already and I'd already broken my ruling going to see this. Thanks a lot, Mark Kermode) It ruins the film - the 3-D takes out half the colour as you watch it through grey lenses.
In exchange you get the occasional mild surprise of some debris coming at you.
I got two words for that. Seen it!

You can't even look around the movie in 3-D. You can only focus on the 3D bit that the camera focuses on. I don't think I'm the only one to predict 3-D's latest demise. The other two people in the cinema might agree.

But even with the three of us one managed to bring something to rattle noisily. Damn you, Skittles. Damn you to hell.
They played the three of us 25 minutes of adverts totalling 75 minutes of wasted time.
And the premium seats I was in smelled strongly of beer and piss. But because I couldn't decide which I didn't change seats.
Still, after 90 min of a barely tolerable movie, due to an unexpected sweetness. I couldn't really tell if it was more beer than piss or more piss than beer.
Either way, when I dropped my bottle top, I knew I wasn't going to be taking the rest of my Evian home again.

You're welcome.


Addendum. Having checked the IMDB again, I can see a lot of popular reviews agreeing with my apparently minority view and rightly holding Apollo 13 as the space film to beat. One tag line I perverted myself a few blogs ago was adapted similarly by one:
"In space...no-one can hear you ask for your money back".
Wish I'd thought of that.