Waddling around

Living and shopping

Multiple Choice for Modern Life.

• Stay in your current relationship, for reasons of symmetry if nothing else.
• If you have any unused affection, reproduce. Don’t waste it on other parts of society.
• The ideal way to conceive is artificial insemination.
• Freeze your eggs before you are 40 to keep your options open and avoid getting fat at inconvenient times.
• Bottle feed babies to ensure breasts remain in optimum shape.
• Budget for your nanny.
• If circumstances dictate, advertise for a co-parent.
• Grieve for losses that are just an absence of gifts.
• Ask for a formal apology from anyone who expresses an opinion with which you disagree.
• Withdraw from all aspects of community other than online.
• Avoid being overqualified for future employment.
• If all else fails, sue

It’s a fine line between independence and dysfunctionality.

Are you ready to dance?

The Adventures of Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond

It is too unfair when we have a blistering afternoon of sport - Wimbledon, the European Formula1 Grand Prix and England v Germany in the World Cup.

And then...mercilessly, Channel 4 schedule Carry On Up The Khyber at exactly the same time.
And no, there is no Channel 4+1 (unless you count channel 5).
Why?
Why do they make us choose?

The more you mean it

44 years of hurt

Grammar

As we Americanize more of our spelling, does anyone know if I should spell defecation with an 'ae' or faecal with just an 'e'.
As if we don't get into enough of our own problems when writing down words like 'loose' instead of 'lose'.

It's so easy to get into sloppy habits.

Pastures new

I am changing the name of the blog to The Humourless Fool, a wonderfully poetic juxtaposition of colourful imagery and the conflicted court jester.

I was torn for a while between that and King of the Losers but I think T.H.F just pinches it.

Thanks readers.

Worst Inventions Ever

No. 33 The sports bra.

Disclaimer: Mr Impossible is a male of reproductive age

Things that make steam come out of my ears

Anyone who checks out twice at the supermarket without rejoining the back of the queue.
Or, as happened to me recently, three times..

Cream of the crop

So when Patrick Stewart comments on James Cordon's belly and scruffy demeanour hosting an awards ceremony (called Glamour, ahem) the quickfire wit responds. "I can see you dying on stage right now". A death threat? A wish for his death? A threat to a fight an old man? Or most improbable of all, a joke?
Of course if someone was to die soon, apart from Cordon in his recent humiliatingly poor sketch show, it would likely be the fat, young comic. Or maybe he has never heard of John Candy, Chris Farley etc.
Is this the best this man can do? Stewart has more class in his little finger than Cordon could imagine after the most hallucinogenic of pies. Blame bulimia Cordon, that will at least be funny. And learn some respect for your elders and/or betters. In your case, that's just about everybody.

Patrick Stewart standing over Cordon's grave. That's funny. That goes in straight in the chapter labelled black comedy or irony. Perfectly legit. So Cordon signing of with "Get a taxi - the old man's going home", he couldn't stop himself. He might as well have said 'Get an ambulance'. With him leaning on the podium, you can see the actions of a school bully. I wonder how much pocket money he stole in those happy tuckshop years.
Stewart does not shrink of course. He can have him for breakfast. OK he is not the funniest guy but he as making a valid point.

Now given that this is going to be shown all over the world for years and follow them both particularly Cordon, could he not smell a publicity opportunity and force himself to come out of it with some dignity not just looking like a fat bully. Clearly not.

It is the same lack of insight that made him behave like that in the first place.

I'd like to think this was a brilliant publicity stunt for his appearance on the next episode of Doctor Who but alas, I think not.
Stewart as a serious actor already has a funnier back catologue than Cordon with outrageously brilliant and self-deprecating appearances in the cutting comedy edge that is Family Guy and of course Extras.

On the other hand of course, the award wasn't about either of them was it?

Tardi-X

Just thought of a new scifi series of sketches.
It's about a duo who investigate the paranormal - a guy and his hilarious gob-heavy sidekick who comes from Liverpool.
It's called Mulder and Scally.
Ten years too late.

Ten years too bloody late.