Stay Sharp

I have just sharpened a pencil.
I don't want a medal or anything but I have to admit to a guilty feeling of retro innocence.
Because sharpening a pencil makes you smile.
There was just too many school days.
So many pencils.
So many colours.
So much jealously over the teacher's wind-up sharpener - so excellent for making an elegant point.

If you want to connect with a skill you thought you'd lost or a part of your psyche you long thought atrophied, then take my advice.

Sharpen a pencil today.

Solidarity

Capitalists of the World - UNITE

Apostrophe's of the World - Unit'e

Exclamations of the World- Unite!!!

Ex-masochists of the World - Untie

Confused punctuators of the World - @

Betamax fans of the World - Unwind..

Texters of the World - Unite, LOL and insert smiley

No, I dont much like it either....but you get the idea

Problems with your Van Dyke

Is Murder really a Diagnosis?
That’s like saying Judgment: Syphilis. And I don’t see that show on daytime anytime soon.
Or Ruling: scabies. Well.. maybe that could fill a slot on Channel 5 quite nicely
Imagine Judge Judy: “The patients are real. The diseases are real. The diagnosis is final. This is her outpatient clinic. This is Dr Judy”. I don’t think so.
It hardly fits in with our touchy feely way of breaking the bad news nowadays.
Do you have the test results back yet doctor?
Yes …
Bad news….
You’re guilty!

Thanks fellas

Two very sad losses.
One of my heroes died yesterday – how long have I wanted a jacket from the Prisoner? How long has the remake been mooted?
Ian McKellen who I will be seeing in the theatre in a couple of month’s time has recently been filming the remake of the genre-creating series.
Peter Falk according to The Times (Online that is. Would not waste my hard-earned on that rag!) described Patrick McGoohan as "the most underrated, under-appreciated talent on the face of the globe”. Who am I to argue?
And then Khan himself. Of Star Trek’s greatest moment. A movie with the greatest death scene of all time. The villain who caused Spock’s death. Ricardo Montalban - the slightly sinister Mr Fantasy Isalnd himself - added such depth to one of the greatest baddies in movie history. Shakespearean quotes were abound (as usual for the genre) but it seems both appropriate and inappropriate to quote them again here.
Lustful performances both with good enough messages for life.
Look out for the plane and enjoy your fantasies
Be Seeing You Gentlemen.

Your miraculous body

People celebrate many aspects of the human body from its imperfect design to its resilience under pressure .
I offer a little example of its rich tapestry.
Maybe you have fumbled for the front door lock with your key in the premature British afternoon darkness. Or almost scratched your car missing the lock.

But as the you-to-door distance shortens, think how much more often you have raised your key and targeted the lock like a laser. A millimetre either way and your way is blocked but you hit it straight on. It slots in like an ATM card. No new scratch on the door.
A well-practiced talent. Unknown competence.
Your muscle memory has delivered you a small gift. Next time it happens notice it. But afterwards not before. You don’t want to put too much pressure on yourself.
After all you can’t earn a living from it.
But it is a small but cheery miracle.

Trust Me

In business a shady character might secretly might hope that anyone who temporarily stands in for him underperforms.
I would not think that of course.
I am talking about the rest of you.
Do you really want someone sitting in what you take to be your seat to be stupendously impressive or would you prefer someone to be.. oh I don’t know … let’s say mediocre, insipid, banal, boring, tedious, in love with the things that pop into his vapid mind.
Competent is OK. We don’t want the ship to go down. But maybe you want to be missed. Yes even you. Even you with the heart of stone. After all there are job losses everyday and maybe Mr Popularity is cheaper than you.
The way to service this tricky negotiation is to appoint someone devoid of flare, a tepid wit in a poorly heated room. A distraction presented as a vacuum filled with own-brand marshmallow. Making it not a vacuum anymore. You know what I mean.
That's why you should do what I do when you go on holiday and take a tip from Radio 2’s Steve Wright by always asking Richard Allinson to fill in for you.
I promise you, he'll tick all your boxes.

Legends

So Matt Smith is the new Doctor Who. Pretty big shoes to fill as they say. Maybe he will be a revelation. With the writing team behind him that they have, I would bet on it.
There was another legendary chap with the same name.
Matthew Smith was loved by a generation, some would say a generation of geeks. I have not played computer games in earnest since the days of Manic Miner on the Sinclair ZX Spectrum. Matthew Smith wrote it. It was a classic of programming compressed into the sort of tiny memory space that is no longer required as computers have grown. The playability and addictiveness and style of the game were mind-blowing.
The legend and mystery of Matthew Smith continued. Dark clues pointed to his possible whereabouts. And the internet allowed his reputation to thrive.
The pleasure he brought to many makes his reputation extremely well deserved.
Today you can still get the game to find out what all the fuss was about and play it on your phone.
Thank you Matthew.
And good luck Matt.

Lifescript

Everyone has a script.
If only doctors could use the same lines as oh ... let’s say judges on some Saturday night reality entertainment show.

What do you think of these weird spots, Doctor?
“Well...you’ve just made this surgery verrry interesting” (Rapturous applause from the waiting room)

Everyone tells me I am a difficult case, Doctor.
“Mrs Turnip, you’ve just blown this clinic apart” (Closest relatives hold up banners of support)

I have a terrible pain in my testicles, Doctor.
“I think we’ve just seen one of the final three”.

Will you prescribe me some antibiotics, Doctor?
Drum roll....two minute pause.....
“One hundred million percent yes”.

Go directly to Boots.

Flake - No fake

Today I had an ice cream. Fancied a 99. The ice cream man had his advert in his slidey window “You can’t fake a Flake” it said. As it turns out you can. His version was a wafer tube with a chocolate flavouring inside. So science proves that you can flake a Flake. But not well.
They didn’t have a Dalek or a Zoom either.
So I had a Twister.
It was a Swizz.

New Year Travel Advisory

The challenge of travel abroad holds many hurdles. A simple miscalculation can alter the whole experience. I hope you can enhance you ability to prepare for such trips with this simple advisory about the facts you really need to know before setting off any international or even simple domestic venture.

"The Facts About Bruges"

Train to Bruges
Chocolate city
Travelling alone
More’s the pity

Cobbled streets
Knee-destroying
Cyclist-friendly
Slightly annoying

Wintry chill
Bladder contracts
Should have gone before I set off
These are the facts