Domestic problems

We navigate our domestic dilemmas (dilemmae?) ourselves. The front door is our barrier from the external world - the mean streets. We are our own principality. We are the rulers of our territory. Unless we are currently married that is. This, as a legendary cartoon series began, is our domain. The Lord of the Jungle went on to say... "and I protect those who come here". Well that may or may not be true of today's domestic gods and goddesses.
Today we can even surrender the dictatorship to outside sources by allowing Google to solve our queries.
So to recap, we can solve our own problems and keep things to ourselves.
Or we can ask for help.

I was contemplating this today as I wondered if there is there a socially acceptable way of cleaning a bog brush.

BBC Cutbacks

It is interesting to note that no-one has apparently ever seen Bruno Tonioli, off Strictly, and Theo Paphitis, off Dragon's Den, in the same room at the same time?

In praise of boffins

How many "jokes" only work in written form? Say them outloud and they make less than zero sense. And I can't go there in a weblog without becoming negative, as any mathematician will tell you.
Come to think of it, I am sure I had an experience with negative logs at school. They came in 2 forms as I remember - the type that appeared in a book of log tables for maths class and the others that were whittled into particularly flexible canes.

So how many? Who knows? But I have one for you, if the mathematicians will forgive me.

It is simply the observation that there are 10 types of people in this world - those that understand binary and those that don't.

One for the boffins.

Reviewing the Situation

The Christmas Fenwick's Window is a local institution - always representing a seasonal Christmas scene with animatronics which were state of the art circa 1971. But it's our Christmas window.
This year it's Oliver. But I noticed a change. While I was looking at it in all its multimedia glory at 21:59, it was moments away from being switched off. It seems the window shuts off at 10pm. In this case they were half way through a rather rousing “Consider Yourself”. My thumbs were twitching at my lapels and I was happily wishing that I was jauntily carrying a silk hanky instead of a half open pack of Handy Andies.
There was also a Lego Santa which gave the impression of being a rather blurred Santa. This is going to cause a bit of confusion as the late-night drinkers walk past.
And if anyone fancied a late night fight, surely it is impossible to fight to the original cast recording of Oliver. It should play all night in my opinion. And all throughout the year. Although thinking about it, that angry fellow played by Oliver Reed might have a pop – Bill Gates I think his name was. Or maybe he’d have a pop-up.
And the same evening, the town’s Christmas lights were turned on by key celebrities from the North East.
Sting? No.
Knopfler? Naa.
Ant and Dec? Noooo. Wait for it………
The switched was flipped by BBC2’s very own Hairy Bikers. Two scruffy unshaven chefs. On bikes.
I feel itchy just thinking about it.
And if you think about it … now … I think you’ll feel pretty itchy too.
Have a scratch and we’ll be kindred spirits.
In fact, Consider yourself… my mate.

Accidents Will Happen

I received an early Christmas present in the post today.
Unfortunately thanks to our wonderful post office, some of the adhesive on the packaging had failed and on further inspection the Maltesers fell out.
Then I noticed that corner of the box seemed slightly loose. After further inspection the force required to press the semicircular cardboard perforations was fairly minimal.
At that moment I stumbled and fell onto the floor and some of the Maltesers rolled into my mouth.
Then a strange thing happened. The rest of the Maltesers swiftly followed suit.
Honestly, you'd have to have seen it to believe it.
What do they say about coincidences? The only amazing thing about them is that they don't happen more often.
Fortunately no-one was hurt.

Meeting Tom Hanks

Well I'll admit it early. I haven't.
But what would you say if you did?
Depending on your gender or need to impress, you might swoon or gibber. But how can you be original in the presence of anyone who has been interviewed a thousand times?
What will make you something other than very boring?
I would argue you have to be pretty abstract. And if they don't "get it", it's their fault!
You may have to risk appearing insensitive to their gentle egos. Such is the price of originality.
But perform your piece with gusto. Summon up some emotion. Really care about the answer. A put-down would be a physical injury, as you ask "Please Tom, when (O when - optional), are you going to make Bachelor Party 2?
It's a bad day for me. I have just discovered someone devoid of irony already has.
It casts a dark shadow over my relationship with Tom.

True Heroes

The sweetest moment can change your day.
Flashes of tacit understanding between strangers.
Flickers of recognition that says 'we're all on the same team'
Even when we're not.
Morsels of humanity to be savoured.
Yes, well I think you get the idea.
Can any be as touching as this which happened to me this morning and will have undoubtedly happened to you? To be on the receiving end of a selfless gesture where you can do nothing but repeat the favour for another stranger and mutter a thank-you as your champion barely throws you a glance as he bestows his dutiful favour.
Of course, you have guessed it.
I am talking about those tireless individuals who put up the Next Customer Please sign before you put your shopping down on the conveyor belt.
God bless them and all who sail in them.
Life should be made of these moments.

Possibly.

Reflecting on the USA

I like Americans. There. I've said it.

Well what do you expect?... I am not going to risk getting on anybody's craw on my second post, am I?

No, friends. That's for next week..

 

But they have their problems and none seem more insurmountable than this.

They cannot pronounce the word 'mirror'.

It's all going well until panic seems to set in half way through.

Sure, the start's swellegant.

Then the clutching terror.

Then the war and shocking destruction of the middle double R.

Then the bail out. Not comprised of several trillion dollars but a hiatus where the natural end of the word would normally kick in, Instead the second syllable is substituted with an All-American 'Yaa'.

Next time you look in a mere mirror, you might reflect on that.

A Hitchcockian 'Good Evening' to All

Welcome to The Glass Tangent and my first sceptical foray into this medium.

Why have a diary of thoughts at all? Well in my case, as a stimulus to writing, as recommended by a certain excellent comedian who for the time being shall remain sans name. Sans everything. After all, this is about me. But alas dear reader, (as there could be one!).... it is already time to retire to bed.

I leave with a thought I learned from a new acquaintance I met today - Sunday the 16th of November 2008 which is, ahh so soon, yesterday.

She was a television actress who was talking of her craft in a manner in keeping with the current tradition.. that is by avoiding the word 'actress' as they do. Until of course it is touchingly reinstated when there is an Oscar up for grabs.

She had this to say in making a recommendation to a young potential actor (who was blessed with a Y chromosome) on working with people. And it's good advice for all of us, I felt.

Make yourself nice to have around.

Good that!