Sachsgate - The Revenge

This week Jonathan Ross returned to Radio 2 for the first time since his telephonic abuse of Andrew Sachs which believe it or not is 6 years ago now, although Sachs only spoke out earlier this year about the cruelty that apparently continues to haunt him. And this very day as I was filling up the car I noticed an interesting story about his brother, TV's Paul Ross, in today's tabloids.

Now it was good to hear Jonathan on the radio this week. He is interesting and a considerable relief from Steve Wright and the people who claim to love his show.

But it has long struck me that Ross and Russell Brand's apology was spectacularly unconvincing - one of the least heartfelt apologies in history, accompanied by giggles and about two years too late.

So today provides the perfect opportunity for the shoe to be tried on the other foot.

I wonder if Jonathan thinks it would be fair game for Barry (Paul Ross's gay mephadrone-taking dogging partner of the last 12 months who apparently wants to marry him, presumably after a divorce from his wife of 20 odd years) to phone up Mrs Ross (their mutual mother) and tell her he'd fucked her son, recording the call for transmission over the airwaves as a hilarious piece of entertainment.

No?

Thought not.

Cold Call Blues

Change your answering machine message to incorporate a 10 second gap then saying "Sure tell me more". They'll eventually realise you're an answering machine (You are!).

If they catch you answering the phone "live", adopt the same approach "live" to frustrate the cold callers. They'll eventually realise you're an answering machine (You aren't!)

For added flavour, why not improvise some interjections pepping it up like a bored counsellor feigning interest? A few select "I'm sorry to hear that" s or "Tell me more"s are a great start.

The more abstract you make your interjections, the more fun it is.

When people have had enough, thank them for calling.

Your confidence in talking to strangers will grow. 

Time well spent.

Snack Right

Put these crisps in some sort of vaguely 'correct' order for me?

Salt and Vinegar, Ready Salted, Cheese and Onion

Anything that feels right...

close your eyes if it helps...

then answer me this....

Why have you put Cheese and Onion in the middle?

Truer Than True

I don't know why sometimes BBC News occasionally lists daily top stories which are actually archives from years ago...some quirk of internet algorithms no doubt but it often happens that the story is an old one.

In today's Top 3 stories was 'Savile dies'.
I thought a different Savile from the tireless Saturday night TV entertainer might have died but no....
It is an old story from 2011 of the same well-loved BBC celebrity and pride of Leeds that raised so much for charity.

I read the article to see if there was a new twist.
But of course not. It was an archived article that for some reason was being re-referenced.

I could not help but catch a tribute by hairy cornflake, DLT.

Presenter Dave Lee Travis told Sky News: "We are all going to be worse off without him around."

Never a truer word, Dave. 

At least in your case

Taken By Numbers

I have only just realised why Taken is such a darned good film

It has exactly the same plot as Commando which is a darned good film.

I have an idea for a movie myself since you ask where a boy lives in a galaxy that is not too far away and travels with a female robot and a Dusty Bin playing with his light foil.

Now if I can just get the Intellectual Property cleared ... I'll be on easy street.

Exactly the same as Commando....keep 'em coming fellas.. don't make me wait another 20 years.

Colours and Noise

Sometimes all you need to mix things up is a bit of colour.

A walk in the park or a stroll into town. See what's new. What shops have appeared. Or disappeared.
What people are wearing.
What tech they are using.
Ask yourself why and match it to your view of the world.
Notice where your picture is incomplete or out of date.
Drink in the incongruity.

You will notice ignoramuses who make too much noise and block the footpath.
Traffic will beep, perhaps at you. You may break a law or a social etiquette. You may have got old and not wise.
You may have become a  duffer. A poor student. Poorly adjusted. Out of it. You may have stopped understanding the world. Found your limit.
Yes, the younger generation are glued to their mobiles, just as they were when they were above their cots. But it's the older fella staying in watching the box. The very parents who warned against it.
Is that irony? Or fate.
You may not notice the loss of connection.
You are not adapting. Your gears are becoming rusty. It didn't used to be this way. But things changed. Around you.
You may have shunned computers but now you cannot find a bargain. You can't shop around. Or bank. Or educate yourself in a balanced way.
When you made a den, you can die in its comfort but as the universe and world expands your box doesn't. So effectively, it shrinks.
This is the curse of designing your own comfort.

Now there is a lot to be said for keeping the world out. For a start it has a lot of youth on their facebooks.

But it is coming anyway. The best way to deal with it is to allow a little bit in and let yourself become disorientated just a little then let the sands settle.
The simplest way to do this is to go for a walk round town.
That's what my Dad should have done.
Not only is it good for your cardiovascular system but you can feel the noise. Live the colours. Breathe in the smell of sweaty hotdogs.
Notice the headline in the paper you've never read, a book in a bookshop that you haven't been in for years. Jeggings and Ra Ra skirts. Beards and an updated use of corduroy.
Just notice and let it change you into developing new thoughts. New ideas. New you.
Life floods in through the smallest chinks of light.

I am not a shopper myself so I am not hawking anything but good advice.
If you are lost. Go for a walk.
And not a quiet one.