Thursday, 21 March 2019

Spring

The birds are coming, the birds are coming
Nature's warming up to burst
They're chomping at the bit
It is March the twenty-first

They are stealing them a house
They've tweeted the invasion
(Though I recognise some faces
Back for the occasion)

The birds are coming, the birds are coming  
The battle lines are Home
Searching for foundations
Perching on my gnome

They've annexed my back yard 
And it's horticultural distress
The order seems invisible 
They think it's just a mess 

The birds are here. The birds are here
"Go pick on someone with a lawn..
You're reshaping my entropy
Now my rhododendron's gawn"

Oblivious to grand design
And the fingers to the bone.
They'll mortgage all my potplants
To build a family home

They'll tug at all my linings
With a flush of barefaced cheek
Hanging baskets going bare
"Screw you  - we're here all week"

Salvaging, reclaiming
Caring not a jot
Pirate's bounty never stopping
Till they have the Jewson lot

Twisting, pecking, 
Ever-peckish
A vernal puffed-up display 
Soon off 
But back for more
At the All-You-Can-Pinch buffet.

Sunday, 9 July 2017

Kids really do say the funniest things

Whenever my little one comes out with a golden nugget, I often like to praise her by saying..."You should be a comedian".
But my wife quickly follows up with ..."or a doctor or a lawyer".
At least she would do if I was married. 
Or had children.

On which subject, have you ever noticed that strange myth targeted at single people ...namely that they live selfish lives?

It is usually coming from somebody who has committed the ultimate act of selfishness by reproducing another generation as close to themselves as they can muster.

It is a good job such an act is excused in today's society by the process of instinct and the questionable necessity of the survival of the species because having children must be the single most narcissistic act in all of creation.

Of course when they realise what they got themselves into, some of them have to ease off on the 7 day Prosecco  and  develop some selfish habits by putting their kids first.
Hopefully at least one of the loving couple will manage that for some of the time that they share the children in formative early years, and some of the time that they have them in the post divorce years.

The curious thing is that they then decide to misremember this desire for the ultimate accessory and recall it as an act of "unselfishness".
And then.. then.... they  point to people who haven't committed such an unnecessary addition to the population and sneeringly identify them as selfish.

It beggars belief.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

The Magus

Yesterday, after a few weeks of dedicated effort, something unusual happened.
I completed a long book.
Reading that is. Not writing it.

The book was The Magus by John Fowles, of the French Lieutenant's Woman fame.
It's always held a bit of a mystique for me not least in the title. 
I'd seen a fragment of the movie adaptation on BBC1 decades ago. It hinted at mystery and supernatural trickery which it turns out is the sort of thing that floats my boat.
As a consequence, it's always held a bit of a mystique in the back of my mind not least in the title. 

There are not many pieces of work that lend themselves to the claim of being one of the best books ever written - frequently hitting the top 100 books of all time, and also claim that they represent one of the worst movies ever made.
The Magus movie - damned forever by Woody Allen's brilliant quote.
"If I had to live my life again, I'd do everything the same, except that I wouldn't see The Magus."
Cruel, but brilliant.
Brilliant, but cruel.

I read the 650-page copy I bought abroad 10 years ago. And knowing what I am like for not completing long books or any books at all, I threw every trick in the book at finishing it  - by carrying my paperback, obtaining a computer file, and using an audio book.
I could read it when I was sitting. I could have it read to me when I was walking somewhere or falling asleep.
In the end by combination of paper and audiobook alone I finished it.
Yesterday.
I mentioned that.

Of course it wouldn't be quite that simple. The audiobook was the original edition but John Fowles revised this with an extra 70 pages - my paperback is the Revised edition  - that is his capital R not mine - and with apparently, though I still have to check this, a slightly different ending. But the ending is fairly open-ended anyway so I don't expect too much of a change.
Along the way I could often track the words he changed or moved around or expanded by reading and listening at the same time, my confusion hopefully adding to my concentration.
It pleasingly phased in and out its ideas of hypnosis and magic, dreams and intoxication, morality and reality checks.
Exactly the same thing as I offer my dating profile.
So in completing the book and jolly good it was too, I finally watched the movie.

Actually, I thought the movie was rather good, and a sight quicker to acquit.
It felt exactly like the book I just read.
Michael Caine was actually giving a performance, 
Of course his character was unsympathetic. But that's the point. It doesn't make it a bad performance. Quite the reverse.

These possibly supernatural Mediterranean mysteries are almost a genre in themselves but a very small one.
There are strong echoes of a BBC TV serial called The Dark Side of the Sun, which has lived with me for many years.
This was one of a number of BBC series written by Michael J Bird, so my next task is to revisit a little bit more of that.
His legacy was series known as the Lotus Eaters, Who Pays the Ferryman, and the Aphrodite something-or-other.
I was always pleasantly haunted by the supernatural paganism of The Dark Side of the Sun.
Is there a deeper well? 
I'll let you know. In your dreams.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Arts Review

There are only two things wrong with Drum and Bass music.

Monday, 10 April 2017

Quotable Me 57

It's only by learning to parry the knocks, 
that you can deal with the blows.

Saturday, 8 April 2017

Mad-erel

I bought John West Mackerel Fillets in Korma Sauce(125g) at Home
Bargains yesterday.
I paid 59p
They're nice - try them.


I had already tried them from ASDA - 75p

But I could have bought them from Morrisons £1.20 [2 for £1.60]

or on OFFER at Sainsbury reduced from £1.30 to £1

or Waitrose £1.59 [2 for £2.00]


So I could have spent £1.59 for the tin.

But spent 59p

British pricing.

Mad!

Monday, 3 April 2017

Today's Invention

You know those ice chilling covers you keep in the freezer.
Rapid Ice.

You know how people are drinking more Mini bottles nowadays...


So they have a Rapid Ice MINI, don't they?
An obvious easy stocking filla...

Well ...no..they don't.

Why not do it?

Brand it nicely..include a wine miniature, add a lollipop or a purple Quality Street or Ferrero Rocher, depending on your level of class  - it's  a pretty lovely gift, ain't it? 
I think so .... but then I'm a lolly man.


Until then I've sorted it for you ...
Buy a big 'un and add a laggy band.




You're welcome.

Sunday, 2 April 2017

It's 1984

If I shout loud enough, I can get two Amazon Echos within a 5 yard radius to well…give them an inspirational anecdote, define a word, play a song…
Alexa - tell me a joke
Alexa - newsflash … please

I can get the students upstairs to pay attention to current affairs or discover an inspirational concept.
If I could only get them to stop dropping Starbucks cups on the pavement and throwing their fag ends in my back yard and leaving their bottles and cans in the street , the future will really be here.
At least if they really annoy me I can get their Alexa to call them an Uber.

Unfortunately... they can do the same to me.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

A Fistful of Dribbles

Do you remember that Marlon Brando always used to get a hard time for being difficult to work with?
Why was it such a surprise?
What else would you expect from someone who called his son Superman? 

It's bad enough nowadays when naming children after a food, a fruit or weather condition.
Peaches or Romeo, 
Buster or Fido, 
Rocket or Buzz.
Yes, of course we should punch Jamie Oliver in the face if we get the chance.
Nobody is arguing that we should forget to do that.
But he's not the only one deserving of a knuckle croque monsieur.

Being difficult to work with is hardly a surprise is it?
So give poor old Marlon a break.
It's not as if he ever called his dog, Dog.
I'm not saying he was perfect. 
He wasn't. 
He was very fat.
But he didn't call his cat, Philip.

As I reminded my nephew Cumulonimbus, recently.


Poisson Day

It's April the 2nd !

Ha..haaaaaaaaaaaa....you mugs.



OK... I need to work on my hoax material.