Kids really do say the funniest things

Whenever my little one comes out with a golden nugget, I often like to praise her by saying..."You should be a comedian".

But my wife quickly follows up with ..."or a doctor or a lawyer".

At least she would do if I was married. 

Or had children.

On which subject, have you ever noticed that strange myth targeted at single people ...namely that they live selfish lives?

It is usually coming from somebody who has committed the ultimate act of selfishness by reproducing another generation as close to themselves as they can muster.

It is a good job such an act is excused in today's society by the process of instinct and the questionable necessity of the survival of the species because having children must be the single most narcissistic act in all of creation.

Of course when they realise what they got themselves into, some of them have to ease off on the 7 day Prosecco  and  develop some selfish habits by putting their kids first.

Hopefully at least one of the loving couple will manage that for some of the time that they share the children in formative early years, and some of the time that they have them in the post divorce years.

The curious thing is that they then decide to misremember this desire for the ultimate accessory and recall it as an act of "unselfishness".

And then.. then.... they  point to people who haven't committed such an unnecessary addition to the population and sneeringly identify them as selfish.

It beggars belief.

The Magus

Yesterday, after a few weeks of dedicated effort, something unusual happened.

I completed a long book.

Reading that is. Not writing it.

The book was The Magus by John Fowles, of the French Lieutenant's Woman fame.

It's always held a bit of a mystique for me not least in the title. 

I'd seen a fragment of the movie adaptation on BBC1 decades ago. It hinted at mystery and supernatural trickery which it turns out is the sort of thing that floats my boat.

As a consequence, it's always held a bit of a mystique in the back of my mind not least in the title. 

There are not many pieces of work that lend themselves to the claim of being one of the best books ever written - frequently hitting the top 100 books of all time, and also claim that they represent one of the worst movies ever made.

The Magus movie - damned forever by Woody Allen's brilliant quote.

"If I had to live my life again, I'd do everything the same, except that I wouldn't see The Magus."

Cruel, but brilliant.

Brilliant, but cruel.

I read the 650-page copy I bought abroad 10 years ago. And knowing what I am like for not completing long books or any books at all, I threw every trick in the book at finishing it  - by carrying my paperback, obtaining a computer file, and using an audio book.

I could read it when I was sitting. I could have it read to me when I was walking somewhere or falling asleep.

In the end by combination of paper and audiobook alone I finished it.

Yesterday.

I mentioned that.

Of course it wouldn't be quite that simple. The audiobook was the original edition but John Fowles revised this with an extra 70 pages - my paperback is the Revised edition  - that is his capital R not mine - and with apparently, though I still have to check this, a slightly different ending. But the ending is fairly open-ended anyway so I don't expect too much of a change.

Along the way I could often track the words he changed or moved around or expanded by reading and listening at the same time, my confusion hopefully adding to my concentration.

It pleasingly phased in and out its ideas of hypnosis and magic, dreams and intoxication, morality and reality checks.

Exactly the same thing as I offer my dating profile.

So in completing the book and jolly good it was too, I finally watched the movie.

Actually, I thought the movie was rather good, and a sight quicker to acquit.

It felt exactly like the book I just read.

Michael Caine was actually giving a performance, 

Of course his character was unsympathetic. But that's the point. It doesn't make it a bad performance. Quite the reverse.

These possibly supernatural Mediterranean mysteries are almost a genre in themselves but a very small one.

There are strong echoes of a BBC TV serial called The Dark Side of the Sun, which has lived with me for many years.

This was one of a number of BBC series written by Michael J Bird, so my next task is to revisit a little bit more of that.

His legacy was series known as the Lotus Eaters, Who Pays the Ferryman, and the Aphrodite something-or-other.

I was always pleasantly haunted by the supernatural paganism of The Dark Side of the Sun.

Is there a deeper well? 

I'll let you know. In your dreams.

Arts Review

There are only two things wrong with Drum and Bass music.

Quotable Me 57

It's only by learning to parry the knocks, 
that you can deal with the blows.

Mad-erel

I bought John West Mackerel Fillets in Korma Sauce(125g) at Home
Bargains yesterday.
I paid 59p
They're nice - try them.


I had already tried them from ASDA - 75p

But I could have bought them from Morrisons £1.20 [2 for £1.60]

or on OFFER at Sainsbury reduced from £1.30 to £1

or Waitrose £1.59 [2 for £2.00]


So I could have spent £1.59 for the tin.

But spent 59p

British pricing.

Mad!

Today's Invention

You know those ice chilling covers you keep in the freezer.

Rapid Ice.

You know how people are drinking more Mini bottles nowadays...

So they have a Rapid Ice MINI, don't they?

An obvious easy stocking filla...

Well ...no..they don't.

Why not do it?

Brand it nicely..include a wine miniature, add a lollipop or a purple Quality Street or Ferrero Rocher, depending on your level of class  - it's  a pretty lovely gift, ain't it? 

I think so .... but then I'm a lolly man.

Until then I've sorted it for you ...

Buy a big 'un and add a laggy band.

You're welcome.

It's 1984

If I shout loud enough, I can get two Amazon Echos within a 5 yard radius to well…give them an inspirational anecdote, define a word, play a song…

Alexa - tell me a joke

Alexa - newsflash … please

I can get the students upstairs to pay attention to current affairs or discover an inspirational concept.

If I could only get them to stop dropping Starbucks cups on the pavement and throwing their fag ends in my back yard and leaving their bottles and cans in the street , the future will really be here.

At least if they really annoy me I can get their Alexa to call them an Uber.

Unfortunately... they can do the same to me.

A Fistful of Dribbles

Do you remember that Marlon Brando always used to get a hard time for being difficult to work with?

Why was it such a surprise?

What else would you expect from someone who called his son Superman? 

It's bad enough nowadays when naming children after a food, a fruit or weather condition.

Peaches or Romeo, 

Buster or Fido, 

Rocket or Buzz.

Yes, of course we should punch Jamie Oliver in the face if we get the chance.

Nobody is arguing that we should forget to do that.

But he's not the only one deserving of a knuckle croque monsieur.

Being difficult to work with is hardly a surprise is it?

So give poor old Marlon a break.

It's not as if he ever called his dog, Dog.

I'm not saying he was perfect. 

He wasn't. 

He was very fat.

But he didn't call his cat, Philip.

As I reminded my nephew Cumulonimbus, recently.

Poisson Day

It's April the 2nd !

Ha..haaaaaaaaaaaa....you mugs.

OK... I need to work on my hoax material.

MRIght?

I had to act "anger" today.

That's not necessarily easy because I'm not a particularly angry person. I just don't see the value in it.

Plenty do.

That's not to say I cannot get animated enough for some fuckwit to accuse me of anger if it suits their tactical purposes. There is a certain level of moron that will never know the difference. 

It is the same level as, say, the half-wit who thinks Brexit it is a bad idea, but can't articulate why.

Or thinks that cannabinoids should be legalised because they've never seen the people its gateway has destroyed. The sort of people who are short on experience, short on  memory, short on IQ, or simply opinionated and dis or mis informed. 

In the worst-case scenario, they are angry and malevolent - the very name-calling they accuse others of so, so early, I save till last. 

That is because I believe I can help them with the other things but I must  also accept who they are. And if what they are reaches a level of purity in its anger and malevolence, then even I know my limitations. An act of charity from me at this point will not be seen for what it is. 

And the fact is, at the risk of arrogance, if I'm not going to bother with them I can pretty much guarantee that nobody else is either.

Those broken people perpetuate.
Believe it or not, they even reproduce.

And they reinforce their own misinforcements.

Of course I broke up laughing in my challenge. There was too much paradox in play for the engine not to choke. 

The fact is that people mistake the things that they see in people. They believe that their own opinion is a good enough reason to do that.

It isn't.

It is poor training, in need of correction

It is poor insight, in need of vision. 

It is poor development of skills and a lack of credentials

But they stand amongst us, eating with us, drinking with us, as equals 

Are you going to tell them? No,  you're too scared. 

All the information you need is written in the face of the person you are almost certainly looking at at the time.

It's a code.

And it requires a big part of the brain apportioned to its recognition.
You need to be a superscanner to communicate properly. 

A fancy imaging machine  will tell you how far you are on with that. But they won't book a session No.
They'll assume they're doing just great.

The sort of people I'm talking about would take decades to develop that muscle.

But they are not getting any younger.

The fact is that it is a code.

It's written behind the eyes.

Start learning now and in 30 years... come back... for a conversation.

But of course by then, you won't need to even speak, before it is clear if you can handle it.

So do the wise thing.

Give up now.

And open your mind  instead.