Take Permission and Commission a Position

There's a thing about writing and not writing. 

There's a thing about reading and not reading. 

There is a thing about exposure and processing and communication. 

And it's this.

The doing of these things gives you permission.

Imagine the scene from a sitcom and a line from a low-status character to a Captain Mannering, or to Captain Blackadder for that matter.

"Permission to observe, Sir".

Permission to observe. That's what this sort of engagement gives you. Writing in particular.

Permission to mind the gap between doing and not doing.

And permission to consider where exactly that ends, and where duty to act begins.

Ones and Zeros

There are two types of people in this world – people who want to have children, and people who want to continue to be able to swear out loud while driving.

Chatty Man

Do you like talking about serious topics?

Because I kind of do. 

I don't claim to be an expert at any of them and I can  always talk about movie sequels and who is going into the Big Brother house if you want.

But sometimes you can move beyond Batman v Superman to discuss whether they should build a wall between Mexico and the United States or a new Silk Road between China and the Mediterranean or just about anything else that is dark and interesting.

Of course n as we are no longer living in a country with free speech, controversial territory increasingly puts people on edge but the edges are where the interesting stuff happens.

The problem of course is that you have to be careful who you enter into these conversations with.

You have got to know your enemy, whether you'll be picked up on finishing your sentences with a preposition or lambasted for being a something-ist.

It can easily become not very enjoyable at all.

You can easily end up talking to somebody as though you stepped into a time machine and awoke in the sixth form common room.

Somebody who is a fully subscribed socialist or tie-wearing Tory – it makes little difference. 

The more narrowminded they are, the less interesting conversations are going to be.

What happens then is that you will end up being the story. Disaster. 

The reason serious conversations are okay it because it's okay to be funny about them.

You can use the same sense of humour as you would if you are commenting on a Strictly elimination.

You can express an opinion and tart up with a little bit of froth to make people feel better about themselves.

You can use a lightness of touch.

And ram it down their throats.

Ghetto Truths

I is not a typo !

Figmentaton

Radio 4 this morning announced the cure for grey hair.

Well that's what we always think in our minds when somebody has discovered a relevant gene.

And okay, the gene only applied to South Americans but what the hell!

Maybe a very fine nibbed pen could stick a few highlights on it anyway.

If you don't yet know the format of the Today programme - two people get invited to bat it out for 2 or 3 min.

So who do you get?

Well in this case, you get the scientist behind the research. 

And some old dear from Saga.

Up first, the scientist carefully explained about finding the gene behind the pigment.

And the riposte from the old dear from Saga followed

"With it being melatonin, the scientist might well be able to cure grey hair but perhaps nobody would get any sleep".

"Not melatonin.... melanin", he gently corrected, with the tone of voice that seemed to recommended a Rich Tea biscuit and an episode of Call the Midwife before bed.

She also noted the unfairness of men getting even sexier as the Silver Fox years approach. It was almost enough to make me cancel my Just For Men subscription.

Almost.

Crisis in Reality Television

A new emergency was reported today threatening the future of all television reality programs.

Excessive demand has meant that  75% of TV production companies have run out of pizzicato music.

Localised pockets of low supply were ignored and have led to a disaster of Rolfian proportions.

The cheery resource, designed to punctuate a quirky scene, or introduce a couple of new characters walking up a street, or somebody arriving with a bunch of flowers at an unexpected door, or a little bit of something going a little bit wrong, or just about anything else has come as an absolute surprise to clueless executives.

The musical form previously reserved exclusively for Polkas has undergone such a resurgence in recent years that it has become a firm friend of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchens  and Duncan Bannatyne's Dens. 

The tinkly incidental pretty much follows Alex Polizzi wherever she goes.

Hillary DeVey (pronounced like Bouquet and certainly not  like Deevy) was quoted as saying. "It makes my foot itch how nobody saw this shortage coming".

So next time you see your gazpacho starter scoring 6/10, or watch somebody finding a spider under the duvet, pity the poor old pizzicato players.

There are only three currently licensed in this country.

And two of them have been off with stress since the Christmas specials.

Quotable Me 101

There is no intelligence.

We are all jokes... waiting for a punchline

Patents Pending

Come on guys... this is the age of light emitting diodes and fibreoptics...

..can somebody please invent the illuminated toothpick and let me know when you have done it.

Thank you. I'll be here.

The Price of Admission

I know it's wrong to dream of more CCTV, but I wish there was a camera on my local swimming pool.

Just on the pool mind, not as I recently read about the sort of cameras that are in changing rooms in thousands of schools around the UK.

It's not because it would be relaxing to see a local pool on my computer screen. 

Not even because it will be motivating.

I just want to know when there are the fewest possible people in so I can go.

Come on everybody.

 Let's live our life on camera.

Do I mind being peeped on myself?

No.

Let them look.

The Danger of Designer Babies

We are getting a lot of Frankenstein science nowadays... but to  artificially create offspring from Karl Lagerfeld and Mary Portas...really..is that wise?