Eggs & Tits

Do you ever feel like you're being played?

Case in point. A live Saturday night Britain's Got Talent final where Simon Cowell gets, wait for it ... egged.

The outrage!

Is this really the best we can do? An egging?

And this wasn't delivered by some 20 stone Father 4 Justice scaling the stage in a Superman outfit. No, they save themselves for spray-painting a portrait of the Queen. Well done, fellas.

The "perpetrator" cast in this role was a giggling viola player in a black dress, throwing out half a dozen 'free-range', frankly... like a girl.

If it was up to me all the parties involved would have been hard-boiled.

Presumably viola-girl was told there is no such thing as bad publicity, when the genius behind this "sensational" live event got to sign her contract of silence.

Even Simon had a magnanimous egg-related pun to deliver just in case you doubted the stunt's lack of authenticity. A live joke from somebody as comedically witless as a man who stays up to 3am watching the Flintstones every morning? That's the most improbable thing of all.

And in the same show, in a lesser publicised incident, Amanda Holden decides while , barely needing to move from the sitting position, to lop a tit out in a manoeuvre commonly known as the celebrity nipple slip.

Really? She wasn't dancing the fecking lambada for crying out loud.

We don't mind being played.

Frequently we will even play along.

But for goodness sake, put some effort in.

3 Alternative Uses for Toothbrush Heads

Dear Phillips Customer Services

Please use the following scientific information as you see fit, and feel free to add to your instructional literature.

Please consider recycling old heads from your electric toothbrush when no longer considered suitable for the oral cavity:

1. Try using them to clean the sink. In tests, I found this idea to be "Jolly Good"
2. Use them to clean between your toes. In tests, I found this idea to be "Pleasantly Repeatable"
3. Use them to clean old coins from metal detecting. In tests I found this idea to be "Somewhat Useless"

Summary
Wherever there is a tricky space, a bit of vibration and ultrasound is a jolly good thing.

Thank you for reading.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir

 

Thank you very much for the advise (sic)! I think it is an excellent idea, I do not know if we can actually add it to user manual, but I will pass this to our technical department and perhaps we can use it to guide our Customers.

  

Kind regards,

Andrew  

Philips Customer Care 

John Shuttleworth's Secret Identity?

Have we learned the truth the man behind the tan leather jacket...? 

Is he really the fastest homespun, singer-songwriter in the West?

Should Have Gone To...

I wonder if they would have accepted two answers to this question?

because it seems strangely familiar ......................

Can You Keep A Secret?

Hope so!

The Weatherfield One-or-Two More

I hear Ken Barlow and Kevin Webster are protesting their innocence.

I thought the prosecution might do that for them.

Play Areas

Life is a load of balls.

If you fill it up and pack it down, there's no room to move your balls around. There's no room to let your balls breathe. If your chosen balls fit all too tightly into their box, there's no see flexibility, no room for to and fro, for give-and-take, for pull and push.

There's no room to vibrate.

Every new-age Guru spouts on about vibration. I suppose it speaks to the universe. It has a somewhat pleasing attribution at a sub-atomic level. It's a nice word, and to many it's a nice feeling at times. It is a usefully vague concept. Critics might argue it covers a multitude of sins but there's something reassuring about it.

Imagine your life as an IKEA play area, no, perhaps a garden planter filled with tennis balls. If there are too many things in your life, too many balls in your box, there's no room for a random bit of Brownian motion, no room for things to develop in the spaces in between. And when you think semi-poetically about concepts such as this you stumble across areas that others have stumbled across. The Spaces In Between, I just realised was the title of an Edinburgh show I went to see a couple of years ago. And equally recently I stumbled across a concept that Daniel Kitson spouted last week in one of the hundreds of ideas he throws away brilliantly. (And who's to say if more of mine and Dan's ideas coincided, that he wouldn't have an even more successful career. You certainly wouldn't find me arguing against it).

But that is the point of course. Our ideas must coincide for them to connect.

They fly because they land.

Sometimes you have to take a ball (or two) out of the box to allow space for vibration. 

Then you can enjoy the rattle, the uncertainty. Deliberately add in a chance element. Challenge yourself with the space. Notice what you fill it with, or how it feels itself.

Allow the vibration of the universe to tickle you. 

In the balls.

8 Things I Don't Care For

1. Anyone who sticks their tongue out on photos. (And everybody they know).

2. The other singer in Madness.

3. SCART sockets.

4. Dentists who push Sensodyne.

5. The crippingly inane Dermot O'Leary in all his pointless guises.

6. Unlocking my car over a street drain.

7. Anyone who says they are speechless.

8. The lyrics to Mack The Knife.

I'm On Fire

Usually when I'm visiting a detainee, I try to have a chat about change. They are frequently addicts, often they use services incorrectly. Currently I am warning them against using A&E, who struggle in my region to give out head injury advice after a head injury. They think this institution is going to engage with these difficult clients in a meaningful way and when they don't, they ruin it for every other primary care institution that may be able to help.

Cutting to the chase a little, when the "patients" ask me what should they do, I suggest to them that they start with their  lowering their expectations of the NHS and attending their GP. Then I reel off caveats. Caveats that their GP may be useless and put them off using medical services ever again. Caveats that their GP may be an excessive prescriber, so I warn them that receiving more drugs is not the aim. And various others caveat I could add, that might help align their expectations and avoid the process breaking down again.

Very few GPs, counselling, psychiatric, psychology services are aimed at supporting and instilling change.

That's why they don't work. They would possibly argue they are not "trained"  in this. It seems to be a usual refrain. 

So when, as yesterday, I saw somebody who had been under this process for 4 years (not that long in the vast scheme of things usually) and asked them to identify what had helped, he struggled. Because things had got gradually worse. Whoever was "helping" him wasn't even keeping up with the present, never mind trying to install some protection against future.

I did my usual proclamation to "start with your GP" and work on from there (despite the caveat that many GPs don't like to engage with drug addicts, I still explain that they are responsible for all their other health issues).

One man a couple of days ago was pretty stunned by this approach - "you mean I can just go to my GP and talk about stuff", he said. "YES", I screamed internally. "Of course", I quietly announced,  slapping my forehead with the heel of my metaphorical hand.

I've often suggested changing GPs when things aren't working. But this week I have reframed this suggestion.

And, as yesterday, I suggest that a GP who is ineffective and uninterested, receives the "sack". 

"Sack your GP!". Yesterday's detainee-in-question raised a smile of astonishment. Before he over thought the suggestion and called me a knob. 

Then he almost begged me to talk more. But there were other things to do. So I verbally forgave him in advance for being a cheeky sod, offered my usual suggestion of... "If I given you any useful pointers here, act on them, if not, throw them out".

And left for the next case.

Irritation is the start of change.
And getting inflamed is a good way to kickstart the healing.

Ask any verruca.

Robo's Right.

What is it about Nike sponsorship? Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, Oscar Pistorius were all signed to the Just Do It brand.

Not only do Nike pick lousy role models, their fundamental philosophy doesn't stand up to rigour.

Just Don't Do It, might be a better fit.

Just Think About It First, would be even better.

It makes you wonder who supplied Jimmy Savile's tracksuits.

Fallen Sergeant Alex Murphy went on to be rebooted and reanimated as Robocop.

He had it right. From the lips of Robo himself....Think it over, Creep! 

Come on, Nike Brand Development, you know where to find me.