The Last

If positive thoughts could halt nature

In its game to make us slip away

They would

The only other way to play is to

Raise a glass to tomorrow or yesterday

A card to promptly express thought

I thought, merited a fountain pen

I dug one out

But words newly inked became indistinct,

feathering into the paper, a disclaimer

on the back said

It was from Responsible Sources

Nature.

Again.

The Theme is the Thing

https://youtu.be/ox1wdnyGXPU

Let me tell you about themes.

In order to catch up with the rest of the world. I watched the first season of Happy Valley.
I'm pleased to report it was excellent in all regards.
It felt like an up-to-date version of Juliet Bravo.
The acting was actually very good.
The casting was actually correct and not a box ticking exercise.
And it was all there on the page.
When something should have happened in the story is actually take as though somebody had actually thought about it.
They had a great Doctor Who and Sherlock director to kick it off

Did it break new ground ? No.
Did deserve the praise? Yes.
The real question is why so many dramas don't do the basics right like Happy Valley Season One did.

But I tried to watch this program five years ago.
And turned off
Because it did one thing absolutely dreadfully

One of the most well-respected shows in recent television history has the very worst theme tune.
But watching it on BBC  iPlayer means you can skip through that with one click.

Clearly somebody thought it was bold and brave or different.
But in fact it was a ridiculous choice, incongruous, grating, annoying, irrelevant. An abstract theme of what sounded like Americana hillbilly making a bland abstract unuseful comment on what you're about to see.

Because theme tunes are important.
I lived through the heyday of great theme tunes.
Mike Post in the 1980s the A-Team, Quantum L eap, Hardcastle and McCormick.
Themes that made your  blood pump.
Drew you in.
They were a call to action.

Everybody remembers Lee Majors and the $6 million man and his theme tune. Everybody danced along in slow motion to it at school. I'm currently organising a subscription only workout based on it to take down the Tai Chi crowd.
I was lucky enough to have a chat with him  a couple of years ago but we only spoke about his work in Thunderbirds - another great theme tune.
His follow-up series was as a stuntman - The Fall Guy. Not just any stuntman of course. The Unknown and Stuntmam
Because this series wasn't   sold on the premise of stuntman solving crimes. It was sold and bought on the theme tune alone.
The writer of the song played the song on the guitar in the audition room . The late Glen Larson pitched the show based around the title  of the song - The Unknown Stuntman. The show was commissioned on the back of the quality of the song and then successfully  produced worldwide for the next five years.

Themes are important.
They can sell a show on their own and sometimes they are all a show has left.
That primal call to action, is an activation of anticipation and loyalty, but also of memories that previous  hearings invoked.

Only hard-core fans of Champion the Wonder Horse would doubt that the greatest theme tune history of television belongs to Doctor Who.

But alas three agonising years, the only reason anybody would sit through an episode was knowing a reward was waiting  -after 42 min of being slapped around the face min you get to hear the theme tune again, and you can start to put the whole hideous experience behind you.
The theme is important - a call to action, yes but also their memory of better times,  hope everything will be right in the future. Themes survive the darkness.
When you look at how Doctor Who survived this darkness, you can find the answer by drumming four fingers on the table. Repeat ad infinitum. 

I will even loan you some lyrics. This too will pass.

I've only ever had three ringtones  - three television themes.
The Tomorrow People
The Invisible Man 1970s (David McCallum version)
and Sherlock
That must tell a story.

Enough fame


Do you think you want to be famous?
Perhaps famous enough to propel your message, be heard even if you have no desire to be seen.
But famous?
Do you want people watching your every move, waiting on your every gesture, interpreting your every comment?
Is what you have to say really that valuable?
Are you really the best person to be saying it?

Why is your opinion of any notable value?
Maybe you used to play professional football?
But then maybe you're talking about football.
Or you used to be on a soap opera? And you are used to putting the world to rights.

And when I talk about notable value, I will celebrate your independence with you but of course I really mean using influence over millions of followers.
What is democratic about that sort of control? Or perhaps you think that's exactly what democracy is.
In which case.
Bless.

No, fame as a means to an end. OK. Enough is needed. Yet that's the one thing that those it is given to often know the least about.
To sell your music. To promote your writing. To raise money for charity. Okay, I get that.
But as an end in itself. Most definitely not.

There is no entry fee to being a politician.

Although she had been in the soap opera that is considered a distinct advantage nowadays .
And if you can act despite that, all the better.
Find a certain type of people . Set your loyalties to a party you think is most likely to take you on. Don't worry about changing if you need to sacrifice a Party line the size of a Domesday book. You can always swallow another one whole.
Simply walk across to the other side of the chamber. Simply betray everybody voted for you.
Easy.

Yes, perhaps these people should be well known.
So we can see them coming.
Call them out
Wave them off.

Katie Price was on the television yesterday. Someone who has courted fame in every possible way. Not for contribution to society, but to collect money.
She talks of becoming a paramedic or training as a nurse.
So she can help people?
I'm sceptical.
So she can get a TV crew to follow to give her another story to tell.
I don't dislike Katie Price.
But fame. At any cost.
No.
I don't think so.

Dream Hard

It is important to keep a notebook of your ideas.
In my case that might be little jokes or plot devices, some song or soundtrack ideas.
Sadly, that means I've got thousands of notes.
I got pretty good at recording them.

Some of your best ideas will come when you're asleep  - for free and without effort. Record the idea quickly on waking and hope it is coherent  or legible when you revisit it and, who knows, Poindexter, you may have something.

Last night I had a perfect way to end a story – it was a song or two songs, so easy to forget if you don't make a note at the time.
So I awoke and scribbled them down.

Looking back it was a bit unusual as I am just as likely to record a vocal note in a blurry voice.
But my pen – it illuminates so that I don't have to turn on the bedside light, (or at least Alexa doesn't have to) - was the chosen weapon on this occasion.

Remembering this in the morning, I went to check my notes.
Nothing.
Nothing had been written.

I couldn't remember the crucial songs that would give my story such finishing punch.
The record had been expunged.

Then I realised I'd been pistol-whipped by my own psyche.

I'd only dreamed writing my dreams down.
I'd awoken ... in my dream, carefully documented the dream ...in my dream , and I went back to sleep ....in my dream.

It is tough to stay ahead when your brain is treating you as though you're in a sequel to Inception.

Derren Brown: Showman ?

The Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled Was Convincing the World He Didn't Exist

**Alert: Spoilers

The greatest trick Derren Brown has pulled off is persuading everybody not to review his show.
His latest one, Showman, I saw yesterday for the second time.
It's not good.
And a year in it should be by now. It was actually worse than a year ago.
He was looking tired, a large prop in the form of a bulky wheelchair is brought onto the stage early on, and the sequence it heralds still half-failed. And as the sequence was just spinning a coin and seeing if it would land heads or tails, it was hardly a visual spectacle.

The next was rolling a die to see when a chosen number between one and six would come up - again, not much of a spectacle.
This from a performer whose television shows acted out the End of the World, or played with death in Russian Roulette, or assassinated Stephen Fry or pushed somebody off a building .

I know this is theatre not TV and I have seen all but one of his live shows and several more than once. They used to be highly entertaining.
I know enough about magic and hypnosis to know how he does 95% of the stuff and the other 5%....well,  I have to look cynically at the many "ushers" he brings with him to the theatre.

But because Showman lacks the spectacle of some of his earliest shows, there is no reason for us to be sworn to secrecy.
There is no big reveal, there is no stunning jaw-dropping denouement.

In previous Derren Brown audiences, I'd gasped with the rest of the audience. Here, there were no gasps.
It wasn't just that the overlong 40 minute interval (for technical difficulties!) withdrew the energy from the room because there wasn't much energy to begin with, either on stage or in the audience.

Derren has relied much more on stage hypnotism in his recent shows, being careful to say "this isn't hypnotism" in order to avoid any restrictions from the 1952 Stage Hypnotism act. And he gets away with this because he's not saying "Come and see Derren Brown hypnotise" despite the fact that is exactly what he is doing.

That would still be just about ok except that the hypnotism he was doing could not have been more standard - routines that make audience members forget the number 7  and their own name is part of just about every hypnotism show I've ever seen. And I've seen plenty.

I can see how Derren and Andy Nyman will justify this to themselves. They will say to themselves that not so many people are doing this sort of act anymore. So why don't we just go do it? But the answer is because all the other hypnosis  acts out there are doing it.
We were expecting something more in the way of originality. We expect something greater from Derren Brown. God knows we'd paid through the nose for it.

He didn't even wipe the suggestions from the volunteers sufficiently. Going back to help one-woman who had still not remembered her name, he pretty much ignored everybody else who might have been exactly the same situation.
It was sloppy

The only secret here is that he is using very old routines.

When the big Teddy is given away (there is a nice funny moment from a photograph that I am happy not to spoil ), everybody in the audience would know that his name had just been printed by a stagehand for placing on the Teddy because there's no other possible explanation.
There is no magic here. There's nothing magical. There's not even very much of interest.

An attempt at  psychometry - doing readings on objects brought by audience members largely fails. I can see from some reviews is not the first time.
And boy did it go on forever as he flustered around before resorting to a safe "hit " at the end that he had in his back pocket  

He puts a ring on a glass stem at the end - a shop bought trick. OK but not really on brand.

I am willing to suspend belief. I am not expecting to be fooled and I can enjoy a trick even if I know a plausible method to two. But I do need to be entertained

Continuing to ask his audience to not review anything in the show implies that they have been privy to something other than a mediocre magic show with some fairly mediocre hypnosis.

It also means that you can never get honest reviews about Derren Brown's theatrical shows. This is one.
I can't even find one on youtube.
Spoiler alerts are perfectly easy to notify for those who do need them.

Let's talk turkey. 

A 250 date tour should clear £25 million.

People love him.
I love him.
But cult-like control over a loving audience, some of whom still swear he is reading body language, is getting thin.

Showman should be a lot better.

Being There


"It is not the same on television. You need to be there to get the feeling inside"


This is the beautiful advice of an older lady in a radio vox pop remarking on the Queen's funeral

Vox pop.
I'm this case, 17 words chosen to represent the voice of the people.

Listen to them
Listen to us
Listen to the words
They are telling you what life is.

Of course, you have to be able to bear feeling it in order to invite it in.
So do it in your own way.
Bit by bit.

When you do talk though, please give someone your eyes.
Don't just greedily take their stories.
Leave your phone in your pocket, or at least have the decency to apologise should you have a valid reason to briefly reach for it. Your first born child may be stranded in the city centre with some thugs who know karate for example, or maybe your illustrator is rescheduling your sleeve tattoo. Or.....no, that's it.
These are the two valid reasons.

And then breathe in deeply, smile, give your love and energy and listen.

Just listen.


You won't know what your friend needs until you do.

It's the name

There is a problem with "self-help"
It's the name.

I have come across two objections this week to the concept of self-help.

Would anybody really object to a positive piece of encouragement, hack or a tip, a filip?
Would anybody really object to positive suggestions enthusiastically performed with love and affection from someone bringing hopes for the best in and from another.

Something given without financial transaction between you.
But even if there is the barter of token or passing of money in exchange for a podcast or book or talk or a course or workshop or presentation, if there is a value that leads to change, then it's of value.
A quick poke in the eye or a big long, luxurious bath presented in a  modality that you yourself prefer to absorb messages.

Some people have a quick shower.
Some make it a cold one
Some people have a long luxurious bath.
Some wouldn't have a bath in the house. And if space is at a premium, always bear in mind, you could fit in fifty air fryers in the space taken up by a single bath.
Think about that briefly, why don't you. (By the way get yourself an air fryer.....trust me)

The first of the two " self-help deniers" was Jonathan Goodwin - essentially, if you're not familiar with him, Britain's only escapologist and a man I have been watching on TV for 20 years since his home-made Channel 4 programmes. He's appeared in various other variety shows with his stunts and warm personality but it was only Britain's America's Got Talent extreme that led to his paraplegia last year and facing a lifetime in a wheelchair.
He has just (September 2022) started his tips of positivity on Twitter but prefixed them by saying  "I hate all that self-help stuff ", but of course that's exactly what he is offering.
And it's brilliant.
So this is undoubtedly a branding problem.
A disclaimer such as that is a sign of vague embarrassment at the concept of giving advice. How very British of us!

Who would say to their loving grandfather, giving them life advice.. "Sorry Grandad , I'm not into that self-help stuff. Find yourself a different sucker. My brother's over there"
A psychopath, you say? Well, possibly.
Certainly somebody who is telling you that they're not open to new ideas today, thanks very much.

The second of the two people was a friend to whom I was trying to send positive vibes and life advice  -  a bipolar who was struggling with his moods.
I wasn't claiming anything that I was doing was original but I know how useful it is to continue hearing inspirational stuff from time to time.
You may find it in your entertainment, Youtube, your music, a play, a book, a quote... really literally anything that fills you up with the joy of spring. 

It might even just be the joy of spring. Who doesn't look forward to her (or his?) return. 

Is spring a lady? Should we even ask?

I received a message back  .. "Yes I know all that self-help stuff"
But we all need a reminder, I reminded.
This is simply another wall that my advice has to climb over. That is a common enough thing.

But why call this "self-help"?
This is one person helping another, or trying to (and that's enough, by the way)
Self-help doesn't work as well when it is said in your own voice. You know you too well.

It doesn't get round the outside. It doesn't come in the back door. It doesn't fill the cracks. It doesn't seep in.
For many, it doesn't, get this, work as well.
But in the voice of another, even if the words are familiar, it's NON-self-help, it. Agency from another agency.


Of course, the Universities supercharged this idea. And perfected it in lockdown.
They could get students to teach themselves, eliminate most of their teaching and still lumber students with £9000 of debt per year.

Criminal? Well you could teach yourself a law degree on Youtube or in prison should you find yourself there for a modern crime such as freedom of expression. Then you could prosecute the Universities who are getting away with this travesty of profit-seeking over education.
Unless you're learning an artistic professions such as medicine, that requires interactivity, why go to University?
Most of the other crafts require apprenticeship more than a degree.
That is self-help.
Self-education is self-help.
But self-help, as the term is usually deployed, is something you give to another.
It involves humility and a kindness of spirit.
It is a gift.

Helping yourself... in the way the language is usually used, is of no credit. It is an act of selfishness.
Helping others... on the other hand is the road to apparent sainthood.


There is a significant branding issue.

Because self-help is ultimately the only help  there is.

Time's Arrow

Some years ago, I wrote a blog.

And some years later I thought I'd revisit it and see if there was any value in the 5-7 years.

Some years after that I decided to do just that. 

That is today.

I will revisit it chronologically (from the beginning), perhaps retool any bits worth saving for eventual compilation and a broader audience.

And, I think, enough time has passed that I may have a few things to say about the world again.

Or maybe not.

We'll see.

It is the 1st of September, 2022.

Ten forty one in the evening.

In case you were wondering.

RIP RDV

Sorry to hear of the death of Peter Bowles.
I worked in earshot of him a couple of years ago while filming Victoria,  where he was overtly thankful to the runners who offered him their  ministrations of cushions, blankets, admiration and tea while filming on a brisk, fresh day Wentworth Woodhouse. The impromptu muffler was appreciated but the overgenerous fluid top-ups were rejected, showing all the experience of the proud owner of a bladder that had clocked up over 80 years and a housewives' favourite more than familiar with the complexities of period costume.  

He also holds the distinction of having written the only autobiography I have ever read, which I ordered after filming with him.
A thoroughly enjoyable tome called "Ask Me If I'm Happy"  - an opportunity to consolidate his anecdotes from a different era in showbiz.

In the early pages, he visits a doctor in New York "where all sorts of tests were carried out on me" before being told he must have his tonsils out immediately or risk suffering death from a heart attack at the age of 20. Declining due to the cost, he decides to take his chances but a second doctor blames his debilitation on "what he is suffering from is what is known as the Actor's Condition. That is, he listens to his body a lot of the time and expects to hear applause".

I also flirted with a brief career in journalism after seeing his trench coat on Lytton's Diary but I think I just really liked the theme tune
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wM3GLr9jgKA

Warm Caller

Cold caller: 02087763616
Me: Hello
Her: Hello I am calling you from the technical department of Virgin Media
Me: Are you? Are you actually calling me from Virgin Media? Or are you lying?
Her: I am lying.
Me: OK, well why don't you do something that your mother will be proud of.
Her: OK, I will do one day.
Me: OK, goodbye.
Her: Bye